I was recently reminded that things don’t usually start off with problems and issues, they usually start of good and with peace. Relationships don’t begin with the end in mind, you are busy enjoying each other’s company. You don’t join a job thinking about how soon you’ll quit or be fired, you’re trying to do your best or make the most money possible. You don’t get a pet thinking about when they’ll die or run away, you’re excited to have a new best friend. You don’t buy a phone thinking about the next one you’ll get, you are excited for this one. You don’t start a business thinking you’ll sell it for big bucks or it’ll fail, you start off excited about providing a needed product or service with passion. I think you get the idea: almost always things begin for us on a good foot.
So what happens that things don’t work out as planned, fail, hurt and become screwed up? I think part of the issue is that we get overwhelmed by everything that goes on in life. It’s not really possible to avoid all that goes on in life, there are pressures that we’ll face and changes that we have no control over but impact us all the same. A big part of the issue though is we lose sight of the good that we started with. Yes, we will change as we go through our lives so it’s not about keeping everything the same or constantly reliving “the good old days”, but learning how to evolve the good we started with. The sooner you work on bringing those elements of good into your life and various situations on a consistent basis, the better everything will go. You’ll also be developing some really great habits that will help make your life more fulfilling and rewarding.
If you’re able to develop the habit and life skill of intentionally developing the good, it doesn’t mean that you won’t fail, have bad days, divorce, or experience loss; these things are part of life. But if you’ve got that core your likelihood and frequency of failure, bad days, divorce and some types of losses can dramatically decrease, and your overall happiness, fulfillment, and enjoyment of life can increase. How do you get started? For a relationship it could be as simple as sitting down with your significant other, talking about what you’ve enjoyed in the past and why you fell in love with each other and discuss how to bring those feelings and types of experiences to life on a more regular basis now, and actively working on incorporating those feelings, actions, words and experiences into your lives today. It’s not a magic pill but can certainly make some of those tough decisions and discussions a lot easier and smoother because you’re not worrying as much about the foundation and able to work on the actual, present, issues.
So let’s start the discussion: what did you really enjoy in your past that you don’t do or have or feel as much or at all anymore?
One of the things that makes this world go ’round is the fact that we’re all different, yet we’re all similar. I believe everyone can find something in common to talk about with someone else in the world, but at the same time we’re all so very different in so many ways, whether it be where we live, how old we are, what we eat or what we do with our lives. I read a great quote recently that got me thinking. It was from a conversation between James Altucher and Jon Morrow. If you’re not familiar with Jon, he’s been paralyzed from the neck down since birth. Just about anyone you ask would say that that makes him “disabled” (or some related term or phrase). However, they made a good point during their conversation that “Everyone in the world can’t do something as well as someone else… So everyone in a sense is disabled.”
Recently on the Life and Spirituality blog I posted some thoughts about grief and loss, as a close family friend is entering the last part of their journey. Hearing this interview between James and Jon got me thinking about this friend again and about how we live our lives. I’ve seen enough of the TV and the news to know that all of us could live our lives saying ‘woe is me’ and be absolutely right. We’ve all got problems, whether it was that your sandwich got eaten by the office munch or you don’t have clean water to drink. Most of us could list a bunch of things that aren’t right in our lives at this time. As important as it is to recognize the issues, the question is do we just see the issues or do we look for a way out or how to fix them?
Jon is one example of many who choose to look for a better tomorrow, just like my family friend always has. I’m a huge dog lover and have always admired them for their ability to love and play, while often still knowing when it’s time to be serious. Countless dogs around the world are working dogs, whether they sniff for drugs or help people who have mobility issues or other disabilities, or even just love on those who are sick. But it’s those same dogs who work very hard who also teach their humans what it means to see more to life than just what’s right in front of them.
The question we’re really discussing this month as we talk about fun is whether we’re able to find balance between the work (and difficulties) and the play in our lives, or maybe if we’re really willing to. Yes, there will be times when a push or extra hours at work is necessary, but there comes a point that you will burn out. No matter how seriously you panic over or focus on the incoming burn out, it’s unlikely that you can avoid it or recover from it if all you’re focusing on is the burn out.
So today I challenge you to evaluate your focus on life. What are you really focused on? Are you focused on the ways you’re failing and not succeeding (I know they exist, we’ve all got them), or are you making a point to improve in at least one way every day and have at least one period of fun and really live life every day? I don’t know about you but I don’t want to get to the end of my life and be looking back thinking what a miserable person I was and how much of life I missed out on. What about you?
Yesterday on the Life and Faith blog I talked a bit about the topics of love and happiness. Today we’re continuing the conversation here talking about the relationship between love, happiness and relationships. Relationships do not equal love and do not equal happiness. That’s not the equation. I do believe that there can be a connection between relationships, love and happiness, but that’s not the case for everyone and it’s unfortunately not a happily ever after situation for everyone either. You’ve probably heard people who were with someone they loved for only a short period of time for whatever reason say that those were the happiest years of their life, and sometimes the couple gets lucky and they have one of those happy love stories for the ages that their children and grandchildren talk about for years to come. Love, happiness and relationships can last and they can be short, and both types can be real and worth it.
Love, relationships and happiness are all things that can be hurt, can fail and can be disturbed. In a perfect world everyone would have a fairy tail ending, but there are people who aren’t good in this world and believe it’s their right to treat people poorly or do stupid things like drugs and excessive alcohol which end up causing them to make bad decisions. I believe everyone is worthy of love, happiness and a good relationship, but for various reasons that’s not how it always ends up working out.
If you’re in a relationship I’m happy for you and hope that it works out and that you and your partner have one of those great love stories. If it’s not a happy relationship the first person to check is yourself, not your partner. Make sure that you’re not the one causing your own unhappiness, because the only person truly responsible for your happiness is you. If your partner truly loves you and is invested in the relationship they should make you happy most of the time (no one’s perfect), but you should not leave your happiness up to them. So if you establish that you’re not putting unreasonable pressure on your partner in the relationship and are doing your part to make yourself happy and help the relationship thrive, then the next person to check is your partner. Maybe they’re not feeling loved by you, maybe they’ve got a different set of expectations for the relationship, maybe they’re not the right person for you or maybe they’re a bad person and you should not be in a relationship with them. I believe there is more than one person out there for each of us, but with more than 7 billion people in the world it’s not as easy as it sounds to find one of those right ones, and even if you do, maybe it’s only the right person for right now. But no one has to be in a bad relationship or one that doesn’t truly fulfill them.
Happiness, love and relationships aren’t always picture perfect, they can get a little messy sometimes. But if you remember back to being a kid or think about your kids, some of the happiest memories were pretty messy, and even in the movies there’s usually at least one dramatic rescue scene or cringe-worthy episode. Don’t give up on a dream of having a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship, I’ve experienced it and so have others, and so can you.
I read an inspiring quote recently that I want to share with you today. It shares a simple but challenging message, one that we talk about but aren’t always able to follow through with:
“Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, this will happen: you will resent people, you will do a bad job, you will have less energy for the things you were doing a good job on, you will make less money, and yet another small percentage of your life will be used up, burned up, a smoke signal to the future saying, “I did it again.” James Altucher
Have you felt that way before? I know sometimes we force ourselves to do something and it turns out better than we expected, but other times we’re busy telling ourselves all the lies about why this has to happen or why we have to help this person or why this might be/may be/could be/should be something we should do. I get it, we’ve got pressure from society and the people around us every day trying to (and sometimes succeeding in) affecting our choices. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but other times we’re just caving.
Taking risks is part of having a healthy life and healthy self esteem. So you do need to determine if you’re hesitant because you’re worried about the risk or because deep down you know it’s not the right choice for you. This week I encourage you to take at least one risk and say no to at least one thing you feel won’t be right for you. I’d love to hear what you learn!
I know the past month for me has been challenging, there have been cancellations, changed plans, friends appearing and disappearing, and lots of other strange happenings, not to mention all the stuff going on in the world. And it’s all exhausting! Each day just feels like trying to walk through mud.
So what do you do when life just takes too long to get to where you’re heading?
My first choice is to relax. We’re a busy society and don’t take enough time to smell the roses, literally and figuratively. When was the last time you were outside? When was the last time you took a walk, albeit bundled up given that we haven’t quite shaken winter yet? When was the last time you sat on the couch with your partner or a friend and just talked? When was the last time you had a cup of tea or coffee without the paper or some work?
Second, do what you feel like you can do. If your body is telling you to take a nap, maybe you’re not getting enough sleep to function in high-challenge times like these. If your body is complaining about something, maybe it’s a good time to try that diet your friends have been telling you about. Make short to-do lists and don’t plan to conquer the world right now.
Third, make time for family. You don’t have to have your a-game to have a great time with your family. Your kids will love if you sit and read stories with them, your parents will love if you call them, your siblings will wonder if you’re going crazy but it will be a chance to spend time with the people you probably don’t spend enough time with.
If your life, goals and victories have been a little elusive of late, fear not, keep pressing forward, especially now that we’ve entered a new month. We’ll all get there. Listen to what your body and heart are telling you and do the best you can. No one will fault you for trying and doing the best you can.
One of the things we’re talking about this month is having heart. I believe that having heart is something that applies to all our lives, whether we’re the CEO or homeless on the streets, whether we have lots of people we call “family” or we’re on our own, or whether we’ve got a degree from Harvard or from Life. Heart isn’t something you can really put in a box or write on a card, it’s something you weave into your life and becomes part of you, the choices you make, the friends/associates you keep, the people you’re in relationship with and how you interact with the world.
Sometimes we do need to make decisions that are based primarily or even solely on fact. Maybe we make those decisions because of how personally invested or emotionally attached we are or because we have no gut feeling. It’s not wrong to make decisions based on fact, but I don’t think most decisions can really be made just with the facts, I believe that we have to take into account the human element. People can’t always be put into neat and simple boxes, we’re complicated and complex, and that’s describing those of us that are considered “normal,” not those that would fit into a pathological diagnosis. And then when you add in things like drugs and alcohol the complications increase.
If you really want to become the best person you can be do take time to learn the facts, explore the world, see other perspectives and try new things. But never forget that a little compassion, a little caring, a little kindness, a little heart may go farther than the facts could. If you really want to be the best leader, boss, employee, mother, father, parent, sister, brother, partner, neighbor, or friend you could be, take a step back and let your heart out of its box for a moment and let it guide you.
“A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness.” James E. Faust
One of the things we struggle with is productivity. We’re good at getting distracted, find other things that need our attention, and are often overbooking our schedules. I get it-we want to keep everyone happy, take advantage of all the great opportunities for ourselves and our kids and fully experience life. However, as scattered and distracted as we are it’s seriously hurting our quality of life, not to mention the stuff that we actually end up accomplishing at the end of the day, and how we feel about what we accomplish. Sometimes we’re so over-committed we’re not only overbooked, we’re not getting the important stuff done, and sometimes we’re not getting anything done at all.
The first step is to realize that you’ve got an issue and decide to get help, and maybe it’s as simple as admitting it to a trusted colleague or your partner. But most people need to reach out to a strategist or organizer to help them restructure their life and make tough decisions.
Once that first step has happened the next thing that needs to happen is prioritizing. What is truly a priority? What are you pretending is a priority? What are you ignoring? Who are you letting down? These are some very difficult questions to face and answer, but they’re necessary.
After you’ve decided what’s important, it’s time to start making changes in your life and scheduling in the things that are truly priorities and putting to the side things that aren’t. These changes won’t happen over night but do take time.
Finally, now that you’re more productive and prioritizing what’s actually important, there’s one more step: learning to say no. One of the reasons you got into the mess in the first place is because you were filling your life with things that were and weren’t good for you. Learning how to say and mean no in your life is one of the biggest keys to truly having a life you love, and a life that’s productive as well.
Today we celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He’s best known for his leadership in the Civil Rights movement in the 50’s and 60’s, and his “I have a Dream” speech during the 1963 March on Washington. He was a great man, a brave man, a wise man, a family man and a community man. He believed in something that wasn’t a reality then and he may not have really believed it would come true in his lifetime. I do wonder what/if things would have been different if he had lived and had not been assassinated.
One of the reasons Dr. King was so well loved and respected then and now is because of who he was and what he believed. He didn’t sit down and accept that because he was a black dude he should be treated as less than any other man. It’s great he was part of the movement at all, and there are certainly other ways he could have been involved. But Dr. King knew as a leader that it was his responsibility to be in front. Yes, others could have stepped up but he knew that part of his purpose was to be a leader in this movement.
The same is true for our lives, we all have purposes to fulfill and steps to take in our lives. I believe we should all do better in stepping up for ourselves and each other. We need to do more to stand up for what we believe and not let others trample on our rights as a human. I also think we should take note of the non-violent way that Dr. King made an impact. He had a huge impact that is still talked about today without ever raising a fist or using a weapon like a gun or knife.
I believe our world is greatly improved by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the other men and women who chose to stand up for what they believed in. What will you choose to stand up for today?
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
I’m still doing some reflecting and considering as we work into this new year. 2016 felt like being in a cement mixer at times for some of us, it certainly didn’t seem like a smooth ride personally or in the world. As I’ve been reading a number of posts at the end of the year and the beginning of this one, I identified with what a number of people were saying about the year that just ended and how they felt about it, what they ended up doing in that year and of course where they’re headed in this new year.
For many 2016 ended up being a year of personal growth, not so much professional, although plenty of people and companies did have a very successful year. For some 2016 was so bumpy that it was hard to even identify or understand that until new year reflections happened. So if your year was anything like mine, I’m going to encourage you to work through these questions over this week before you give up on your resolutions and/or before you make final decisions about where you want this coming year to go:
What was your best memory? What was your worst memory? What was your biggest accomplishment? What was your most satisfying victory?
What goals do you have for 2017? What relationships are you going to create or work on in 2017? What do you want to stop doing in 2017? What needs to most change in 2017?
Just how good can life get? Will this be a courageous year for me? What will make you happy? What will you love?
As I do my own reflecting and consider where I’m taking things this year, I’d love to hear from you what you would like from me in this blog and/or in what I offer in my business? How can I best help you make more victories in your life and what are you struggling with?
I’m finding it hard to believe we’re about to cross over from one year to the next, but I’m super excited about all this year ahead holds for us! I know that some people are concerned about the direction we’re going based on some of the events of the past year, but if you’ve really been paying attention you should have been having concerns for several years now, this should not be the (only) year that concerns you. Today I wanted to end the year with a question that reflects on the year ahead for you to think about. The question I pose to you today is:
Who will I be this year?
It’s a question that may not make sense to you, unless you’ve been feeling frustrated, lost, confused, dissatisfied or out of touch or place with what’s in your life lately, or even for a long time. If you’ve been struggling with these types of feelings you’ve probably also been struggling to keep things going in your life, keep up with things, feel happy, or accomplish victories in your life, family or business. Or maybe you’re just ready to turn over a new leaf and do something different with your life, based on the lessons you’ve learned over the past year.
So with this new year you’ve got a choice to make. Will I stay the person I’ve been, will I pursue new adventures, will I be the person everyone thinks I should be, am I really happy with where I am but haven’t accepted it, is it time to make some changes and show the world who I really am?