Where Did All The Love Go?

I love love. I was talking with someone the other day about the lyrics of that famous Beatles song that isn’t completely accurate (we need a couple things in addition to love), but I think there would be a big difference in our world if there was more love in it. I’m also a big holiday person. I love most of the holidays and the big and many ways that we celebrate them. I think my favorite has to be Christmas because we tend to celebrate it for at the very least a week on either side of the actual day, which works really well for my partner and I who both often work holidays, so we can still celebrate it with other people feeling equally as festive. But I do understand that all of these holidays are technically one day on the calendar (with the exception of some of the religious holidays which last longer than just one day). Yet I always hate going to the store the day after the holiday because everything from that holiday is packed up or pushed off to the side to make room for whatever holiday comes up next, even though it was just hours ago that we were celebrating, and just 24-48 hours earlier that we were preparing to celebrate. It’s so depressing and sad to see how quickly things can get pushed aside for what comes next.

Many of the emails and posts I read today that discussed Valentine’s Day emphasized the fact that it’s just one day. So if you hate it, it’s over quick, and even if you love it, you only have one day to worry about the pressure of getting it “right.” But especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I think we need to really consider if one day is enough or the answer to having healthy, happy relationships. Of course the answer is no, you can’t have a healthy relationship if you just work on or pay attention to it one day each year. I wish that we felt the same way about the end of Valentine’s Day as I do about the rush of stores to move on to the next big thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s important to look forward and work towards the future, but that doesn’t mean we have to rush or that we can’t sit in and appreciate the moment for a bit.

So whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not and while this day of love is almost done for another calendar year, I encourage you to not give up so easily on love and the role it can and should play in your life and in our world. I know I don’t want to be disappointed by my effort or lack thereof when it comes to love, or miss out on the many blessings that come along when you give love a priority spot in your life.

Fall Back in Love with Your Business

Do you remember back when you started your business? Maybe you did start it because you lost your job or something serious changed at home, but it wouldn’t have been the option you chose in the first place if you didn’t have an interest in it or a belief that you have something unique/special to offer people. But there’s a lot more to running a business than just the parts you love, and even if you do have the blessing of being able to choose the clients you work with it’s not always enjoyable and you don’t always love them. So now days may be filled with more tedious activities and things you don’t love as much as when you started the business.

With Valentine’s Day this week it’s a perfect opportunity though to recommit to your business and make any changes that are necessary to get you back to doing something you love every day in your business. Maybe that means hiring someone to do more of the behind-the-scenes work so you can get back to baking, gardening, walking dogs, creating garments, working the summer fairs, running the cash register, or whatever it is that you love most about your business. Or maybe what you love is the behind-the-scenes work and you need to hire more people to do other aspects. I believe that it’s worth it to hire those other people for those things, especially if you hire people who are passionate about those aspects of your business like you’re passionate about what you love. And even if you aren’t able to hire someone full time to fill in for the many things you do but aren’t in love with, chances are good you can hire someone for a few hours a week which will give you at least some opportunities to do more of what you love.

I believe the only way that small businesses can thrive and be what we have always believed about them is if we, as the leader, are able to spend time doing what we love. It’s not enough usually to curate or oversee other people doing what we love and bringing all that awesomeness to the customer, we need to be involved in it too because we’re the heart of the business and what keeps the passion and focus alive. So as we celebrate all things love this week I encourage you to make what might be hard decisions so that you can get back to doing more of what you love in your business. What do you love most about your business?

Let Love Lead

I’ve spent whole months talking about love before, it’s a very popular and sometimes controversial topic. And over and over again I’ve seen that love can’t be put in a box, can’t be defined and isn’t something that will follow human rules.

Love doesn’t mean you don’t call people out when they’re wrong, or don’t bring people to justice for breaking the law, love is separate and outside of that. Love means that even though you don’t agree with someone on everything you can still love them. Just imagine how many relationships would end if people decided because they had a few differences they couldn’t possibly be in love. Love crosses the divides we have in our lives so that we can see deep down we’re all human. No one is perfect. But fighting and arguing with people won’t get anyone closer to anything good.

If you and your partner have fallen into the habit of fighting instead of conversing, I encourage you to agree to pause a conversation when it goes from a discussion to a “discussion” until you can both get a hold on your emotions and return to the conversation remember to put your love first rather than whatever else was getting in the way. Putting your love for each other first may also help you make better and quicker decisions and have more time for the good stuff too. Will you let love lead this week?

“We are lovable, no matter what. If you doubt this, that’s ok. Look around at, or imagine some of the faces of the people you love. You would love them no matter what, wouldn’t you? And you know they would love you too.” Gareth Higgins

Kicking Perfection to the Curb

Mother’s Day is today in the US. It’s a day that is awesome but brings up a lot of challenging emotions for many, even those who have an amazing mom, family and/or kids to celebrate and enjoy. The message I’ve been getting loud and clear that moms (and their kids) need to know this Mother’s Day is simple: worry less about being perfect.

Perfection is definitely one of the topics that frustrates me the most in all areas of life, because it can be so easy to get caught up in attempts to achieve perfection and miss out on so much of life as a result. I think what frustrates me most about it though is that it’s so close to impossible to even reach perfection yet it gets held out to us like this gold standard instead of the ready-for-the-trash-heap concept it really is. It’s so seductive to have that voice in your head telling you that ‘of course there’s perfect’ and ‘wouldn’t it be so nice if you made this perfect?’ but that voice is so wrong and leads you down bad trails that those who are addicts are very familiar with.

Instead, when it comes to being a mom or having a mom, we should let the focus be on love, community, compassion, potential and family. Of course we need to teach our kids right from wrong, do our best to shape them into productive and contributing adults, and teach them to believe in themselves and their capabilities. And sometimes we need to let forgiveness, grace, compassion and love shape all our familial relationships, because sometimes doing “stuff” isn’t enough, and we need to let our hearts take the lead. So this Mother’s Day (and every day) know that it’s OK to not be perfect and to tell that little voice in your head to go away because you’re busy living and loving with your family.

Committed to Relationship Success

With Valentine’s Day today I thought we should talk about what it takes to make a successful relationship, and one of the things I think it comes down to is commitment. While our focus will be on romantic relationships today, many of the things that apply to them in this post will also be things that we can apply to other ventures and aspects of our lives that we want to be successful. After all, commitment isn’t exclusive to relationships or romance, in fact it’s central to success too because often we don’t achieve success because we’re not committed to the journey. So where does commitment come into play for relationship success?

Relationship success starts with being committed to yourself. I know, that sounds counterintuitive because relationships can’t be a true relationship if it’s all about you, but the first commitment that needs to be made when you are considering a relationship is that you’re committing to a relationship that’s right for you. If you aren’t committed to yourself then you may not commit to the person that is best for your present and future or put in the effort to make the relationship into what you need it to be and to last.

The second commitment is to your partner. This commitment is about recognizing that there are two people in the relationship and making sure that you pay attention to their needs, desires, interests and are also committed to supporting them in their passions, work, and activities. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to choose wisely who you’re in a relationship with, because you don’t want to commit to supporting someone who you don’t like and can’t agree with any of their preferences.

The third commitment is to your relationship. The difference between committing to your partner and committing to the relationship is that the relationship is where the two of you come together. You can absolutely commit to supporting your partner but not being in a relationship with them. A great example here would be for couples who choose to divorce but still support each other because they have kids or some mutual interests. You’re no longer supporting or investing in the relationship but you can still be supporting the other person. Being committed to the relationship also means that you’re focused on making this relationship a success, and aren’t out looking for other people or continuing to date others while you’re with this person.

Fourth, there needs to be a commitment to communication. I’m sure there’s no surprise that this one is on my list, is there? Countless relationships have failed because couples don’t talk or all they do is “talk” (aka yell in the heat of the moment). While it’s good for your partner to know when you’re passionate or upset about something, rarely do productive conversations happen when there’s yelling involved, and often when things get to the point of yelling you’ve missed out on some important communications that should have happened a long time ago. The earlier in your relationship that you establish good communication habits with your partner, the more likely the relationship will last and be healthy and fulfilling for the duration.

Finally if you want your relationship to succeed you need to be committed to love. I’m including love here as the differentiating factor between bad relationships, unhealthy relationships, relationships between people who just coexist, relationships that are in name only, and/or relationships that are really friendships. Some people are unwilling to love because it’s scary and intimate and you have to be vulnerable with the other person. If you’re not willing to be that open and invest that deeply with the other person, it’s almost impossible to get to the true depth and dimension of a relationship that has love in it. I know some people are plenty happy to just have someone to share their life with, and that’s fine, but having experienced a relationship with love in it, I know there’s a big difference between the two, and the commitment to love is absolutely worth the risks.

Is there an aspect of your relationship with your partner that you need to better commit to this year? Which commitment has made the biggest difference in your relationship?

A More Personal Valentine’s Day Celebration

There’s pressure on us for so many reasons, but I don’t think there’s a holiday that tends to be as intimidating as Valentine’s Day. Yes, it can be intimidating to host your newly-extended family for Thanksgiving or Easter, but I don’t think the expectations are as high for those holidays as they often are for couples on Valentine’s Day. The pressure increases because of how so many couples have let traditions set the bar rather than choosing to decide what’s best for them and how they want to celebrate. For example not everyone wears jewelry, nor do they like flowers (many people are allergic), and then there are plenty of people who can’t afford to go to a 5 star restaurant, buy hundreds or thousands of dollars of jewelry and get expensive flowers every year. And the more I thought about relationships and what could be a special holiday on the 14th, the more I got frustrated because on so many levels we do our relationships a disservice by going “by the book.”

Having worked with many couples and families, having read many books about relationships, having been blessed with healthy relationships in my life growing up, and having been in a relationship with my partner for over 10 years I can with 100% certainty say I’ve yet to find two relationships that are exactly alike. Why? Because no two people are alike and if you don’t have people who are exactly the same, how could any pairing of them be the same as any other? And if no two relationships are alike, why do we so often believe the lie that we have to run our relationships the same as “everyone else?”

Can we learn from other relationships? Absolutely. Are there relationship “best practices” that apply to many relationships? Absolutely. Can we strengthen our relationships by connecting with other couples whose relationships have things in common with ours? Absolutely. But none of those things mean that our relationship with our partner has to include lots of fights, sleeping in the same bed, having kids together, going out to a fancy restaurant on Valentine’s Day, physical gifts of large monetary value or any of the number of things that many people think a relationship or Valentine’s Day celebration has to include.

So what should Valentine’s Day look like? It should be a day that celebrates the love you have for each other. Maybe you show that love by letting your partner sleep in. Maybe that includes picking up takeout. Maybe it includes going to a therapist finally to work on your anger issues or other issues that hold you back from being the best partner you can be. Maybe it looks like making a meal (or dessert) in the kitchen together while watching your favorite movie. Maybe it looks like picking up some of the chores that have been put off for a bit because of other priorities so your partner is less stressed about them not getting done. Maybe it means snuggling up together reading books that each of you wanted and bought each other as gifts. Maybe it includes a commitment that you’ll follow through on through the rest of the year to be more respectful of your partner and be a better communicator. Maybe it looks like an ordinary day because you’ve got plans later in the year for something special. What will your special, unique Valentine celebration look like?

Loving the Success Journey More

Last month I shared a bunch of different strategies for incorporating success into our days more consistently. Strategies are important because they give us the necessary foundation and structure to help us plan out and actually accomplish the things we want to do in our lives. Since we’re in February it means that either you’re going to be at least somewhat successful with any New Year’s Resolutions you decided on or it’s time to focus on just being successful in your regular activities in life. If you’re still actively working on your resolutions, there’s a better chance now than there was on January 1 that you’ll accomplish them, and if you aren’t and don’t see any progress happening in the next few days then it’s time to move on.

But with the start of this new month we’ve turned the corner from the month that’s all about cold and snow (and recovering from holiday season spending) to the month that’s all about love. I don’t think it’s possible to love every aspect of your life or every aspect of your success journey, but I do think we can add a little love to our success journeys to make them easier, smoother and more enjoyable.

First, always have one success project you’re working on have to do with something you love. Most of us have several success projects going at a time because of the responsibilities we have in our lives or the investment some of them take or the fact that logistically some of them just take longer than others, so it’s definitely doable to make sure you’re always working on a project that you love.

Second, to make the more challenging success projects that you aren’t in love with more enjoyable, find something to love about each project. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re able to make really good progress on it and celebrate lots of victories. Maybe it’s the potential of what this success has for your life and your future. Maybe it’s about the person or people who you get to work with on it. Maybe it’s about the places or things the journey is helping you explore. Whatever it is, don’t let that thing get too far out of focus as you work through the details and aspects that aren’t as awesome.

Third, get creative to find a way to love the journey more. If you’ve been around the success block a time or two you know that there’s almost always more than one way of accomplishing your goals. So why not find a way to enjoy doing some of it more rather than sticking with the most boring, obvious, traditional, tedious way of doing it? Investing in doing the research to find out some alternative ways and different options for getting your journey accomplished is a great way to add love to the journey as well as stretch your creative muscles and add more knowledge to your mental database for future reference.

How will you intentionally incorporate love into your next success journey?

A Little More Love for Business Relationships

Yes, the month of love has arrived and we’ll be talking a lot about loving our businesses, loving each other and loving our world. I thought today we might start with an aspect of the most essential parts of being in business: customers, and specifically the relationship we have with them and them with us and our team. Some businesses choose not to approach customers in any way like a relationship, they see it as a get-in-and-out transaction and aren’t really interested in or willing to make the effort to turn those customers into repeat customers again and again or building a relationship with their repeat customers at all. But I think (and many studies have shown) it actually makes things better and easier for businesses to thrive if they build relationships with their customers. As you probably know, a relationship is a two way street, so let’s talk about some important ways we can give each other a little more love in that relationship.

Let’s start with the challenge and opportunity of giving the gift of patience. Whether you’re a new customer to the business, you’ve had a crazy day, you just got bad news, the offerings are many, or any other number of things, sometimes the customers are a little slower than employees might want or think they should be. Just because you and your employees know the business inside and out and maybe have been involved in it for years doesn’t mean that everyone else is just as familiar and efficient as you are, and a great way to quickly lose future business is to be pushy and rude and in a rush. But the opposite is true as well. I can respect the fact that people have busy lives and places to be, but not all employees or bosses stand around doing nothing just to delay providing services. They’re often very busy with lots of responsibilities and plates to juggle. So if you can be just a little patient, you’ll get service that’s a much higher quality and provided with a much friendlier attitude than if you push and rush them.

Second, let’s give the gift of communication. Ask just about any therapist or marriage counselor and they’ll tell you that communication is in the top 5 reasons relationships struggle or fail. That means for both customers and employees/team members that it’s important to be asking questions, checking in (politely), using words rather than stewing over something, providing necessary and possibly (hopefully) helpful details, and being willing to not pretend you know everything but rather be a good listener. There’s often no price you can place on the value of good communication on either side of the relationship.

Finally, let’s give the gift of the future. What does this look like? That the customer is appreciated for repeated purchases with your business, and they help businesses get more customers. A customer may not want to be in a relationship with a business forever, but let’s assume that at least for a season of their life they will, and that would include repeated visits/services/products, and while every customer appreciates loyalty offers and discounts, that’s not the limit of showing your appreciation for their continued business. You can also have a customer wall of fame, share insider information with them about what goes on behind the scenes, offer special products or services only to customers who have been around for a certain period of time, share special discounts from other companies with them, or at the very least be friendly with them and know their name and the things they often order and maybe even a little about their life that you can check in with them on as a way of showing them you care and appreciate them being part of your business. For businesses, aside from continued purchases of their products and services, every business appreciates reviews and recommendations. It often feels like pulling teeth, so the more we customers can help them with at the very least posting a review or two, the easier it makes for them to get more (satisfied) customers.

What would you appreciate as a customer or business owner for Valentine’s Day?

Struggling with and Celebrating Christmas

Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate the holidays because as an adult you’ve got responsibilities the kids don’t, right? Yes, I suppose it’s hard making a list for Santa and waiting for gift time and going to sleep so Santa can come, but this morning I woke up and knew I had to wrap a few gifts for my partner that would involve boxing some clothes and sighed because I knew I’d have to deal with cleanup and putting the boxes away after we celebrate and share gifts. It puts a bit of a damper on this special season doesn’t it to think about the laundry list of things that happens behind the scenes that you’re responsible for? It’s totally worth it to see the smiles and hear the “thank you’s!” but what about the adult feelings you have?

The other day on my other blog as part of my Peace Perspectives blog series I’m doing this month I shared about how I find the Christmas tree gives me the space to reflect on those adult feelings and still find the peace and celebrate the joy of the season. I think it’s perfectly healthy to struggle with spending all that you did on gifts, or thinking about the amount of time you invest in decorating and cooking and baking this time of year, or struggle with who you’re spending the holidays with and who can’t be with you.

I think it’s healthy to feel these feelings, that’s part of being human, but I don’t let them stay with me throughout and ruin the joy and celebration of Christmas. If you are struggling and can’t let them go, maybe the gift you give to yourself this holiday season is to work with a counselor or pastor consistently in the new year. But if it’s just normal, passing grief, depression, loss and dealing with feelings of responsibility, my encouragement to you is to do your best to intentionally put them aside for at least a few hours tomorrow, and to take time this coming week to take a break and do something good for yourself. Maybe that’s sending the kids (who are off) to spend the day with friends, or sending them to be with the grandparents for the day (or a couple of days), or trading off with your partner so that both of you have some time off, or maybe what will make you the happiest is to do something special with the kids this week.

Christmas is a reminder that there is much to be celebrated and appreciated from the ways that communities come together with lit trees and homes, churches welcome in people who don’t stop by that often, people gather together, and cookies are baked. People give gifts as tangible indications of the appreciation and love they have for others, which means that for every gift you receive someone values having you in their life. So whether you’re celebrating the fact that you’ve made it to another Christmas, you’ve baked all the tasty cookies, you successfully wrapped all the gifts, you were able to make your usual donations to the organizations that matter to you this year, you worked on mending relationships that have been strained for years, or you’ve got a family who you love and they love you, I invite you to celebrate today, tomorrow and in the last few days of this year. Let’s end this year not ignoring the issues or struggles of life and being an adult, but not letting them hold us back from celebrating.

A Mother’s Heart

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. It’s both one of the best days each year and also one of the hardest for people. For women who are unable to get pregnant or have had children die, it’s a very hard day. It’s also a tough day for children whose moms were terrible or not part of their lives. It’s tough for those whose moms have died, even though they’ve got years of memories to cherish. It can even be a hard day for families who are separated by distance, because as great as technology is to help connect us, it’s not the same as being there in person able to share a meal or hug.

Unfortunately as some kids can tell you, there’s so much more to a mom than the ability to give birth. It’s sad when there are women who would love to be a mother and would make a great mother and it’s not happening for them, while others don’t seem to care about the kids they’re bringing into the world seemingly every time they turn around. But life and mother nature aren’t always fair and don’t often go along with our timetable or desires. It goes back again to why I so encourage raising kids with a community, because not only do the greatest moms need a break once in a while, for the areas where moms are lacking the community can help pick up the slack and give kids the support they need to help turn them into humans who will raise great kids if they so choose in the future.

So as I was thinking about kids and what to really focus on today, I was reminded that the best moms all have some of the same things in common, things that all of us could practice in our lives to honor the moms we’ve lost, the moms we love, the mom we wish we could be and/or the mom we are. Because I’ve yet to meet a child who couldn’t use a little more love, compassion, care, patience, or love, a bit more hope in their life and encouragement to dream, someone to talk with and hear their stories, or someone to help them be smart about picking right from wrong and know that they can pick themselves back up when they make a mistake. And it turns out that sometimes we adults need a little bit of all of that too from time to time, because while a lot changes as we grow, our hearts are still often just as passionate, giving, caring, creative and open as adults as they were as children.

So this Mother’s Day what characteristic(s) of the best mom(s) you know will you commit to bringing to life in our world?