Success Plus Holiday Celebrations

Do you ever reach a point in the wonderful holiday season we’re in that you’re completely overwhelmed by everything and just want it to be over? If so have you reached that point yet? I reached the panic moment the other day when I realized that we’re past December 10 and that means less than 15 days until Christmas has passed! I’m not ready for the holidays to be over yet! As much as I love the holidays, something I am very aware of as a business owner is that life goes on beyond and during the holiday celebrations. It’s unrealistic to think that people’s lives stop just because we’re in this special time of year, so I shared a challenge with some of my newsletter subscribers to not waste opportunities that come their way this month even if it’s something that could wait until the new year or doesn’t have to do with the holidays.

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot in recent weeks, knowing how busy everyone seems to be right now with life picking up the pace again and people going places and doing more things due to the stage of the pandemic that we’re in and then adding all the holiday festivities to it. I’m a huge fan of to-do lists, they’re great for helping me stay focused and on-task but not forget or panic about other important things that need attention. Over the last week though I’ve been a little more proactive and instead of just adding stuff to my to-do list, I’ve been taking stuff off it. I know, that’s what you’re supposed to do. But so many of us add stuff to that list that we think will just take too much time that we don’t think we have and as a result we put it off time and again.

What did I learn when I did some of the stuff on my to-do list? That’s right: it didn’t take as long as I thought it would or wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be or ended up working out better than I thought it would. And maybe most important besides the fact that stuff got done, is that I felt better about my holiday celebrations and the amount of time I wanted to spend on them because those things got tackled too. I don’t think the holidays should cause us to stop being responsible or stop us from living our regular lives. If anything it’s a great time to motivate ourselves to get stuff done because we’re very conscious of our tight timelines and are motivated to get stuff done quickly but thoroughly (no one likes to redo stuff that could have been done right the first time with a little effort).

So if you’re feeling inspired between Christmas Carols, candle lightings, holiday gatherings, home decorating, card sending and holiday shopping, take a couple of moments to get some of the other stuff done too. You’ll be more successful, motivated and hopeful in the new year if you don’t arrive on January 2nd to a to-do list that’s as long as the lists some kids send to Santa. What little (or big) projects and activities will you cross off your list this month and help set you up for better, faster, or more success in the new year?

Healing Takes Time

This week my voice magically disappeared. No, I was not at a concert and lost it because of screaming or doing any other similar activities, I had very little indication that anything like that would happen, yet it did. And now, days later, it’s still slow going and I don’t always have my voice. Even in this world that has all kinds of incredible things that happen quickly, some things still take time. You may be able to have surgery and go home the same day, or the next day, but that doesn’t mean you’re “all better.” You may apologize, forgive someone, or have a discussion about an issue with them, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is “fixed.” You may choose to face your fears about something, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever be afraid of that thing again. And chances of you moving into a new house and unpacking all in one day are almost impossible.

The real question that comes with healing in each of these situations is if you’re willing to do the work and take the time to get it done in as many actions or as long as it takes, or if you’re going to just put up with life as it is because you want it healed or fixed instantly and since that’s not possible you’re just going to ignore it or pretend you’re OK with things as they are. Each week I talk with potential clients who are just overwhelmed by the situation they face and aren’t able to get over the hurdle of where they are to where they want to be. It’s a sad thing because I know how much potential there is for them and how things could turn out, but they aren’t willing or able to put in that investment, maybe because they’re afraid of things not working out like they want or them being worse then they currently are when all is said and done.

I know, it doesn’t sound rational, logical or anything normal, but not all fears are. Healing doesn’t always follow the same path or timeline, whether we’re talking physical or mental/emotional healing. Honestly some of us get lucky that healing happens at all because of the amount of trauma that happened and we’re trying to recover from, and sometimes we need a little more work once we’ve “recovered” because of that amount of trauma in the past. Think of it this way: if you unpack all your boxes at your new house and put everything away technically you’re “fixed” and done and everything should be “fine”. But there’s a really good chance you’re going to come back to things in the days and months that follow and move things around, switch things out, and maybe even buy new things and get rid of some of the things you unpacked. That’s just the way that we heal and adjust to a change in situations.

So while I hope you enjoy a little time this weekend on spooky Halloween topics, I encourage you to remember that fears and challenges in life are rarely a one-and-done thing, they take a commitment to overcome. Will you choose to make that commitment, and how will you support those in your life that make that commitment to take the time to heal and get to a better life?

It’s OK to Ask for Help

One of the many things that kids do but adults struggle with is admitting that they can’t do something or need help. No, they don’t always admit it right away and sometimes there’s a tantrum first, but sooner rather than later it gets to the point that they admit that they can’t do somethign like tie their shoe or build a house out of blocks and ask you to step in and help them with it. I’m sad that so many adults have lost that skill or ability along with so many others that kids have and yet somehow when we become adults we shouldn’t do those things anymore or believe that “that’s just for kids” or believe we don’t have time for certain things anymore that we did as a kid. But so many of those things we tell ourselves about what it means to be an adult are lies. We can have play time, be creative, fail or make mistakes, not know everything, and ask for help just like kids do.

I think one reason why is that we tend to build stuff up in our minds and it overwhelms us and we forget that it’s OK to ask for help regardless of how independent we’ve been raised to be and told to be as adults. Why is it when you’ve got a broken arm you don’t say it’s too big for someone to deal with and leave it alone, you go to a doctor and it’s perfectly acceptable to get help? But when it comes to our normal or everyday life and work problems we say they’re too big or overwhelming for anyone and no one will want to work with us on them because we know it’s our own fault that we got into this situation. But again, all those stories are lies.

Just because we’re not building block towers or coloring superheroes anymore and instead are working on relationships, parenting and fielding coworker challenges doesn’t mean that we can’t ask for help and can’t get help, because we can. We just have to do what the kids do and admit that we need the help. Not to mention that asking for help and explaining to our kids why we need the help and that it’s OK to get help is good for them too because it helps reinforce that asking for help isn’t just for little kids, it’s for everyone. And when you give them the explanation of why you need help to them it often helps you to realize exactly how OK it is for you to be getting help and that there’s no shame in getting the support you need to help you get from where you are to where you need or want to be.

So this week I encourage you to be bold and brave and ask for help when you need it. Ask friends to write recommendations or keep their ears open for available positions, ask a coach or consultant or therapist to help you work through a situation in your life, ask your partner to help you with something at home, and even ask your kids to help a little more with their homework and chores that they could help with around the house. I think you’ll be amazed at how much smoother things tend to go when you’re not slowing progress by being too hesitant to ask for help.

Fears that Aren’t Fun

One of the big topics around Halloween, which is today here in the US, is fear. We dress up in costumes, some of us trying to be the most spooky and scare the most people (of course if you dress up as a clown or doll you get the prize right away from some people who have great fear of those two things). We watch movies hoping to have a thrill and be scared a little because there’s something about the scary movies and feeling the fear that excites us. We go to spooky buildings, events and attractions hoping for that same thrill because there’s something about the unknown around each corner and the idea that something is lurking in the dark is something most of us don’t experience that we enjoy feeling from time to time.

The opportunity with Halloween is to show yourself and your kids that sometimes there can be fun to be had even when you’re afraid. A classic example are all the scary movies and “haunted” buildings/attractions people visit this time of year to be intentionally scared, and it ends up being a lot of fun for many people. But that doesn’t mean that every scary thing will be fun: I don’t know that I’ll ever find it fun to search for snakes or fun to live in a building with thousand leggers, but even when you don’t find it fun, it doesn’t mean you should stop living your life because they might be around.

Fear is another area of our lives that we have some choice in. No, some fears we’ll never get over and that’s OK because we don’t have to face those fears to live a normal life 99% of the time. In these cases our fears mean we have a healthy respect for something and give it space, which doesn’t really impact our ability to have a full and enjoyable life. For example I don’t think my life will be negatively impacted by not going out to chase snakes, I’m just fine enjoying my life here and letting the snakes be outside in their garden homes. But sometimes we do let our fears take over, like when we avoid looking at our finances or talking with our bosses or getting in a contractor to talk about the work that needs doing on our home. Those fears aren’t fun, and end up hurting us and putting the brakes on getting things done in a timely manner before too much damage is done.

While I hope you do have some fun this Halloween with a couple scary movies or TV shows or some candy and costumes, I also know it’s a great day to talk about fears and maybe even step up and work on conquering a few that are hindering your life. What fears aren’t fun for you?

On Burnout and Mental Health

I’ve been hearing from a ton of people that they’re dealing with burnout. Even though we didn’t do a whole lot in 2020 and even this year most of us are not up to our usual previous level of activity, it’s been a very stressful 20 months since 2020 began, and tons of things have changed. The truth is you don’t have to be overworked to get to the point of burnout, although that certainly is one way, stress in any or many areas of your life can extinguish the candle of inspiration and passion for your work. So while I’m sad to hear it, I’m really not surprised to hear how many people are struggling. That said, I’m thankful that they’re feeling safe enough to share with the world exactly how much they’re struggling rather than pretending or lying about why things aren’t getting done.

We may have talked about having a “midlife crisis” in years past, but it was never clear how real of a thing it was, mostly because people didn’t talk about their mental health and struggles they were dealing with. Sure a “midlife crisis” seemed obvious if someone made a really big purchase of a fancy car or other expenses that are out of character for them when they were in their midlife period. But other than that you can’t often tell visibly if or when someone is going through burnout or dealing with some serious mental challenges, and it doesn’t have to even happen in “midlife,” it can happen at any point in time in your life. And at least in the past most people have hid their struggles because they didn’t know how to deal with them or how their struggles would be received by others.

My guess is up to 95% of people will deal with burnout and mental health challenges at some point during their lifetime, regardless of whether they admit it or not. We try to raise kids the best we can, but are we truly preparing them for what they’ll face in life if we don’t talk and teach about mental health too? We do our best to give them tools to feed themselves, tools to be successful, tools to be physically healthy, and tools to build relationships, so why don’t we give them tools to be mentally healthy and encourage to ask for help when they need it?

I’m not saying that everyone needs a therapist or everyone should tell the world about their mental health struggles, but I am suggesting that first and foremost parents do a better job of making the mental health topic less taboo. Second, expose kids to various healthy outlets like construction, coloring/painting/clay and other creative pursuits, fitness, yoga and meditation, or spending time with pets or at animal shelters so that when they feel themselves struggling they have some avenues to turn to that can help them process their feelings or reduce their stress. And finally, let communication about and the feeling of feelings be a normal and regular occurrence both in the presence of the kids as well as let them know that their parents discuss feelings with each others and/or close friends or family (or with a therapist).

If we adults can do our part to help support the kids and next generations with better understanding, feeling and dealing with their mental health, we can not only make stronger and smarter adults, we can also reduce the number of suicides that happen each day too. How are you helping the next generation be strong and capable with their mental health?

Having a Support System

Success isn’t just about the steps you take towards victory, it’s also about how you deal with the challenges you face. I’m thankful for a partner and family who support me, there’s a lot to be said for having people going with you through a situation. Knowing that you’re not alone and that other people may be experiencing the same rollercoaster of emotions as you, that you’ve got people who will do everything from provide a shoulder to cry on or brainstorm ideas or pick up the slack while you’re working through things, is so important. That support takes one or more of the likely many stressors off your plate as you work through the challenge.

But as I was thinking about the different challenges that friends or extended family are experiencing, I was remembering similar situations in my life. I am glad to be in that supportive role for them, but the more I thought about it, the more frustrated I was that I didn’t have someone back then in my life who had already been through what I was going through at the time. Your regular team is great for supporting you, but they can’t always answer to what comes next or what has helped in similar situations and help guide you through your situation.

I know there are mentors to tap into who are a great resource for the normal success stuff. Counselors and therapists are great for providing tools to help anyone work through a situation. Lawyers and advocates can be helpful in making sure everything goes legally and as fairly as possible with preparation for unknowns. But then there are people in NA or AA who have been in the shoes of the people they’re supporting, and can speak to the long journey someone is undertaking.

But what about the people going through things that aren’t as readily talked about or society isn’t as willing to support? What about those people who are genuinely good people but maybe got a little turned around, or made some decisions that aren’t considered popular or culturally acceptable, or the people who find or get themselves into situations where the outcome is often unpredictable and unknown for themselves or family members?

Yes, I know that thanks to technology there are support groups of every kind that can be found if you look, but that wasn’t always the case, and many people still don’t know they exist or don’t feel comfortable talking about where they find themselves or their loved ones because of how they’ve been treated before or how they’ve seen others in similar situations be treated.

All of this is one of the biggest reasons why I think anyone who has a story, encouragement or bit of wisdom to share should be on social media or blogging or podcasting even though it seems like everyone and their sibling has a blog or web presence, because you never know who will stumble upon what you’re sharing and find exactly the community or the person they’ve been looking for who has been where they are and made it through to the other side. Yes, it can be scary to be vulnerable, hurt to revisit that time in your life, and hard to reveal some stories in public settings, but if just one person can feel some peace because of the stories we share, we’re doing our part to make the world a better, happier, healthier community.

Frustrated By a Lack of Success

Let’s be honest: it’s frustrating when it seems like everyone you talk to is getting ahead and you’re just trying not to drown. It seems like some people are able to have success at the click of a button, while others of us work and work and work for years and don’t seem to get the same traction as they have in months. Sometimes you do get lucky and the right person comes along and your success multiples. Sometimes you are in the right place at the right time, and your success happens. But other times no matter how many rave reviews you get each month, no matter how many people tell you that you’re awesome, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to equal success.

It’s in those moments that we all question what we’re doing. Did we do something wrong? Did we act at the wrong time? Did we talk with the wrong person? Did we not work hard enough? How hard do we have to work? Or the classic “everything was going well, but now there’s this other issue or things are stopping or what looked so promising has turned into a dud.”

Not everything turns out a success, regardless of how much effort, time, or resources you pour into it. And there’s a fine line between giving up too soon and letting things go too long. You can let things go longer if you’ve got the resources to do so, as long as you’re not going to damage the other opportunities or potential that’s available by waiting.

It’s OK to admit from time to time that you need to rant and that you’re scared that things won’t work out. That’s totally human and totally acceptable. Everyone has doubts and fears from time to time, even in the most secure and successful situation.

So maybe the answer is to get up the next day with the commitment to do a little more, or something a little different, or reach out to someone new, or ask for a fresh perspective. You may end up hearing what you already know, but maybe that will be exactly the answer you needed to hear, because it means you had the right idea in the first place.

So if you’re struggling with success today, maybe today is the day that you really push through on everything, or maybe it’s the day that you take a break for the first time in a long time. What do you really need to do for your life, your health, and your success journey today?

Spring-ing to Success

Spring has officially arrived in my corner of the world and with it always comes one thing: change. Change happens with every season, where I live I experience 4 seasons with 4 transitions, some people tend to experience only really two seasons, but regardless of how many seasons you have, there’s something different about each that means you can’t just call it one season and be done with it. I’m thankful we don’t go from summer to winter because of how drastic the change would be, and there’s something special about that transition time as well, even the one from autumn to winter.

One of the reasons I was thinking about this was because a couple of friends were applying for jobs and neither of them got them. While no one ever knows all the reasons they’re not hired, two of the most common reasons are because the applicant wasn’t willing to make changes necessary to work the job and the organization wasn’t willing to make changes that would have advanced them in good ways and the applicant would have fit with. From the perspective of a coach and consultant, there’s nothing more frustrating than known the potential of someone or an organization and being told flat out that there’s no possibility that changes will be made in order for growth to happen.

I understand the fear that often presents when you’re faced with a change, but you have to also consider what the likely future holds, and if the best thing for you/the organization is to stick with the status quo and try to push along for another season, or if you’ll be better off down the road if you are more proactive. There’s nothing wrong with using your resources to the fullest or looking for a least expensive option, and sometimes the best answer is to hold off on change because your fears and concerns are reasonable. But success is often achieved only when we change and work beyond/through our fears, and rarely will we achieve success without having someone share disbelief or unhappiness in us or what we’re working on.

What is best for your future? Which activities, relationships and successes will help you build a better foundation for your future? What fears are holding you back or limiting you from achieving the levels of success you have the potential to achieve? What creative ways or different avenues can you pursue to achieve your goals? What changes will you invite into your life this spring?

I’m Scared, Are You?

I was watching one of my favorite Halloween cartoons the other day and in it everyone is asked to participate in a haunted house and dress up as the thing that scares them the most. As the main characters went through the haunted house they were unimpressed and confused by some of the costumes that some of the people had chosen, as they weren’t scary to them. It reminded me that what scares some doesn’t scare others.

As much as we are living the same life and sharing the same planet, so much of our lives are unique to each of us. What you’re having for breakfast someone else probably is having, but certainly not everyone. Your favorite book is probably loved by others too, but not everyone. Your favorite football team is loved by others, but not by everyone. Your favorite candy is loved by others, but not everyone. The things that scare you scare some others too, but not everyone. And the things that are part of your life now you may choose to not have in your life in the future.

These similarities and differences are one of the reason why I love Halloween and why it works so well as a community holiday. It’s an opportunity for everyone to dress up and pass out treats within their community, but no one has to pass out the same treat or dress up in the same costume or visit houses in the same path. Halloween is an opportunity to remember that we can celebrate together while being different at the same time.

This year has taken quite a few of our choices out of our hands, but certainly not everything. If anything it’s given us an opportunity to learn about ourselves, take time to consider the way we’ve been living and decide if that’s how we want to live going forward. Holidays come around every year, and I’m sure this year’s virus challenge won’t be the last we face in our lifetimes.

So maybe the holidays will look different this year, but we can still choose to celebrate both individually and in our communities. What are you doing differently for Halloween both individually and as part of your larger community?

Fear Vs. Success

I don’t know that anyone has lived in a “boring” period of history in the past 400 years since people really started spreading out and going to war with each other and building up our world. I hear my parents talk about how the depression changed my grandparents, and every generation still alive today has experienced at least one war, plus there are generations still alive who were part of the Civil Rights movement, and more recent generations have experienced numerous bombings and airplane crashes. This year we’re in a different kind of fight, and that’s the fight with the virus. It’s made us wary in ways that we’ve not experienced before, and in some ways it’s more challenging because not everyone knows when they’re sick and the very resource that we’ve depended on before, each other, we aren’t able to rely on in the same way.

As we enter and approach the new school year I feel like we’re reaching a defining moment where we have to choose if we’re going to let fear rule us or if we’re going to choose wisdom, success and community over the fears. We absolutely could choose to live in fear of each other, not because we’re afraid someone will do violence to us, but because we could unknowingly get sick or cause someone else to get sick. But as we’ve seen time and again from around the world, unless we’re able to come to a hard stop for an unlimited period of time the virus will continue to spread until something changes and/or a vaccine is available.

The story is the same with success. We can choose to be limited by our fears, to stick to what we know rather than venture out into something new simply because we’re scared. Fear is a normal and healthy reaction, but only to a point. Fear should be an indicator to us that we need to stop and do a check, but that check may not tell us that it’s too dangerous to proceed or that it’s the wrong way to go. It may be something in our past that’s trying to hold us back (a bad one-time experience for example), in which case we can pick up our courage and overcome that bad experience and build a good one.

I’ve always believed in a world that is built on, supported by, and thrives because of community. And now is no different: it’s only by choosing kindness, teamwork and steady steps forward that we’ll be able to rebuild our world, hopefully stronger and wiser than before. But that’s not possible if we choose to live in fear of each other. What steps are you taking to overcome the fears in your life?