Choosing to Celebrate Family

Happy Mother’s Day! I know it can be a somewhat controversial or challenging holiday for some, but like so many other things I believe that Mother’s Day is a choice. Sometimes God’s plan for you isn’t the one that you most desire most and you have to decide if you’re going to accept the plan He has for you or choose to be miserable. I’ve worked with hundreds of families in various capacities and it’s nothing like having your own children but even just working with children fills a child-spaced hole inside my heart, and that’s only one of the many options that are available including adoption and fostering or becoming like an extra parent to a sibling or best friend’s kids.

Family is definitely what you make of it. Not all of the years of being a family will be sunshine and rainbows, there will be some hard times and difficult decisions, things that you wish you didn’t have to expose your child to (like pandemics and financial struggles) but the best thing we can do sometimes is just keep going and show our kids how to be resilient and make sure a day never goes by that they don’t know we love them.

As the adult in the relationship we have a choice in how we approach things and the effort and affection we put towards our kids and their comfort in a situation. They won’t love everything, but if we have the opportunity to make something that might be challenging more exciting or like an adventure, or find a happy medium between bringing all of their favorite things and letting them choose just one or two, or help them easily see and accomplish rewards that they can earn for trying hard things, at least they’ll have some positive experiences when it comes to challenging things in their lives and know that at least some of the time they will be rewarded for working hard.

Maybe most important of all: when you have a chance to celebrate you should. Days like Christmas, Mother’s Day and birthdays don’t come around every day, most days aren’t a holiday. But when you’ve got an opportunity to stop or at least slow down and appreciate those you love, celebrate their life or recognize all the good you have in your life, you should. And even when it’s a hard thing to celebrate because that person isn’t with you anymore, it’s still an opportunity for you to remember the good times and share those memories with those you love who didn’t know them so that they can know them too.

You Are Beautiful

Are you beautiful on the inside or physically? Or maybe both?! It shouldn’t surprise me but today has just been one of those days where I read articles or see TV shows about people from 40 or 100 years ago and open emails and go to restaurants or out shopping and see people who are beautiful in appearance. No, of course I’m not talking about people who are model-pretty, although there are plenty of them too, but people who are beautiful in a more ordinary way yet are beautiful all the same. Of course there are some people who really got rejected by the appearance genes and no, none of us stay beautiful forever or at a specific time in our lives (and some of us take a terrible picture so it’s very hard to see that beauty unless you’re in person with someone), and some of us don’t put any effort into learning what helps us look our best, but I still believe that more of us are beautiful than we might think.

So what do you notice first about other people? Probably how they look, right? But that isn’t always the lasting impression you have of them. So many times I hear the confused statement: “I don’t understand how someone who looks like that can act or talk like that!?!” because someone might look like $1,000,000 or might be incredibly handsome/beautiful but have zero personality or be downright nasty. So the lessons that so many moms (and dads) taught us about beauty not being important or to focus on our schoolwork or behaving well are absolutely true, but at the same time I think they did many of us a disservice by almost or completely brushing off the physical appearance aspect. I’m not suggesting that moms (or dads) around the world should have enrolled all of us in pageants or acting classes or put unhealthy levels of focus on our appearance but I do think they should have helped us understand that we were good looking and encouraged us to care for our bodies and be proud of who we were and how we looked.

Why? Because even if our appearance doesn’t get us hired, married, lucky at the lottery, win a popularity contest or be free of health issues, knowing that we are or can be attractive is a big factor in our confidence as we grow and may even play a big role in whether we thrive in life or not. And having that confidence in who we are, feeling good about how we look, can make all the difference in how courageous or (appropriately) risk-taking we are and as a result how well we do in life on multiple levels including emotionally, relationally, and financially. So remind your kids that they’re beautiful inside and out, help them appreciate and cultivate both kinds of beauty in themselves, and don’t forget to love and believe in yourself and your beauty inside and out too.

Taking a True Break

Are you in “go mode” as a parent? I know why we focus on go mode with our kids: because if we don’t they’ll get sucked into tech and TV in whatever free time they have, and while tech and TV are great in a supporting role, we don’t want them to be the only form of education and entertainment our kids have. So we sign them up for all these activities, plan out breaks and vacations with as much as possible going on including trips even if we don’t really want to go or have a lot of extra cushion in the budget just so our kids don’t stay home and do “nothing.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love that we have so many opportunities to expose our kids to and ways to get them educated, but I don’t think we always are willing to recognize the toll it takes on them and us. I had this conversation recently with a mom who was disappointed they had to change their plans and weren’t going away for spring break for various reasons, but the further into spring break they got, the more she realized exactly how important this break was for both the kids and herself and her partner. Would they have had fun on vacation? Probably, yes, because they always do. But there’s something to be said for really relaxing things and not being on-the-go all the time, and by the end of the week yes, she was ready to send the kids back to school and back to a more regular and active schedule, but she also recognized exactly how much fun the kids had staying home and how much more relaxed everyone was at the end of the week.

The conversation with this mom was a reminder that sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves, and even when it’s just our normal lives and normal pressure/stresses, even then it’s good to have a stopping point or done moment or truly take time off to catch your breath. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work hard, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t schedule activities for the kids, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go on weekly date nights, it just means that once in a while it’s more important to stop and rest. Have you and your family taken a break from everything recently?

Out with the Family for Earth Day

I love technology. I love being able to get information with a few clicks, read a new book with a few clicks, take a picture that’s decent with something that’s with you all the time (your phone) and not need a separate camera, communicate with people halfway around the world at any point in time, get almost instant updates about things going on around the world and in our neighborhoods, and being able to connect with people who “speak my language” whether that’s an actual language or a love of books or a game or Superman or minor league baseball.

And in some way I love that technology makes us work harder to be one with nature and connect with the world around us. Most adults grew up spending their time outdoors because that’s really all we had for entertainment and that’s where most of us gathered with friends when we weren’t doing homework or working after school jobs. These days kids reach for their phones, are watching lots of videos, play online games and maybe make videos hoping to become an influencer or trend. Yet every parent I’ve talked with loves technology for the support it gives busy parents, and hate it at the same time because kids often think the natural world is “boring” (or adjacent to how many of us felt about museums growing up) compared to technology.

So Earth Day is one of those opportunities to drag our kids out into the world and see what’s beyond their screens that they really can’t protest because everyone is involved. As for other days? I think the biggest secret to getting kids more into the outdoor world is balance. Let them have their time with screens and other days with outdoor time. Go on road trips so they can have some tech time as you drive while also having to explore new places. Maybe even get them a dog or another animal that’s outdoor-centric like a bunny or chickens and give them a reason to be outside and enjoy it. And of course, the more you get outside the more they’ll understand it’s normal to be outdoors and love to be active and explore too. What outdoor things do you love doing with family?

Learning Courage

This weekend people around the world are celebrating and remembering the acts of someone who lived a very long time ago: Queen Esther. She’s legendary in Christian and Jewish spiritual circles because she became Queen and then stepped up and risked her own life to save the Jews from certain destruction (you can read her story in the Bible here). This weekend the Jews celebrate Purim, and I wish that Christians took the time to celebrate her as well because her story has many important lessons in it that we can learn from and we should honor her and her bravery, or maybe we should make it a day of celebrating all the brave people throughout the Bible.

But the focus today is not on all things faith, but on the fact that someone who was an ordinary individual, got lucky/blessed and was given the opportunity to be Queen and she didn’t let it go to her head but chose to step up like a true leader to save not only her life but the life of her fellow Jews too. We talk often about people who do great things like Dr. King or Abraham Lincoln or Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela or any of the kings and leaders throughout history who led big nations, fought big wars or built great buildings/structures, but we don’t often talk about the people who display courage which is unfortunate because all of us could benefit from not only knowing how to be courageous but also to know that we’re not alone in being courageous.

There are so many things we should try to teach our kids, and I think one of the reasons that courage doesn’t get a lot of attention is because it’s hard to teach. We don’t want them to be in situations where they have to really practice courage, most of us don’t try to find ourselves in situations where we have to be courageous, so it’s not like we can sit them down with a worksheet or take them to the batting cages or have them help us bake cookies like we can with so many other skills. Yes, some of the interpersonal skills they learn through school, summer camp or afterschool activities can help give them a foundation for courage, but those are often in-the-moment situations and not a way to build the skills before they need them. But when we look at the lives of people like Esther and Joan of Arc and Harriet Tubman and Sean Stephenson, astronauts and veterans, world explorers and settlers, we’re reminded that people just like us in a whole manner of situations survived their situation that required courage and were better for choosing to step up and be courageous.

It won’t always be easy, it won’t always work out, we (and our kids) will fall a few times before we really build up our courage muscles, but the world is always a better place when we live with courage than when we let the bullies and bad guys win. How do you teach your kids about courage?

Who Dreams of Becoming a Politician?

I’ve never met any kids who have said that they want to be a politician when they grow up, have you? And for many years as a country we’ve been able to not put a whole lot of effort into raising up new people to join the national political stage. Honestly we’re probably fortunate that we haven’t had issues of a serious nature before now, but between some of the scandals of recent years and large number of politicians choosing to not run for another term, the time has come for new leaders to step into place.

Maybe the biggest indication that change is necessary is how reluctant we are to let our kids dream about being a politician. I know we worry about them when they’re interested in becoming firefighters or police officers, but we usually give in because we know that at least they’re giving back and not potentially able to be sucked into a world that we don’t want them to have any part of. I’d like to believe that world used to be different, that George Washington, through Abraham Lincoln and maybe even beyond that politics wasn’t what it is today. That’s not to say that we haven’t had people in Washington and around the US in smaller political offices that weren’t truly committed or didn’t have the country’s best interests at heart, because over the years, and at present, we do. There are some people who are committed to the office with the honesty and heart of someone I would be OK with my kids admiring or following in their footsteps.

I don’t know what the answer is as far as how to get to a political world we can be more proud of, whether it’s starting fresh, making big changes, slowly rebuilding or what exactly, but I do know that we need to do our best to raise our kids up to be conscientious, caring, attentive, thoughtful, community-minded people whether they lead as politicians, chefs, tattoo artists, police officers, tech inventors, farmers, teachers or something else.

Parenting Together for Relationship Wins

What kind of dads are in your life? I’m blessed to work with some families right now that have amazing dads (plus my partner’s an amazing dad, too). These dads step up when the moms are sick, they are more than just willing to be the only parent in charge if moms have to work or travel alone for some reason, they include the kids in things, they think of the kids, they’re considerate and attentive, they take care of them when they’re sick, and the list goes on. But just like you I’ve met some dads who are pretty much only a biological parent, or have very little interest in their kids regardless of gender. I also know moms who are great and moms who basically pass off parenting duties as fast as they can, it’s not just the dads who do and don’t parent.

The revelation I came to recently though is that when dads (and moms) step up and both parent, they actually have a stronger, healthier relationship/marriage. Of course anytime there is one more thing a couple agrees on and doesn’t have to fight about is less of a burden for the couple, but kids aren’t as simple or OK to disagree on like Chinese food or technology preferences (i.e. Apple vs. Android) or the proper way to fold a fitted sheet (is there a way?!). Kids are a lifetime commitment that comes with incredible complications, challenges, choices, and of course lots of fun, opportunities and blessings. So being on the same page about the importance of being a present parent is huge for the health of your relationship.

You won’t always agree on which school subject is most important, if veggies are required or not for every dinner, which books are OK, how much swearing is allowed, how soon they can date, if they have to make their beds each day, or a thousand other things, but if you are both 100% committed to your kids, you’ll know that even in the most challenging situations where you initially seem to be completely at odds with each other, you’ll still support each other and you’ll work through it all together. How has being a committed parenting team helped your relationship with your partner?

A Terrible Parent

How many times have you thought that you’re a terrible parent? Hopefully you’re able to remind yourself that you’re a good parent more than you tell yourself that you’re a terrible parent, but chances are good that you recognize that you’re not perfect and that there’s room for improvement in how you’re parenting and how your kids are growing up. I don’t believe there are perfect parents, everyone screws up from time to time or wishes they did something differently when they look back. Even the kids who say they had a good childhood can remember things that weren’t “good” or could have been done differently that might have made their parents “better.”

Parents do have a responsibility to do the best they can, to conquer and educate on some of the most challenging words and phrases in the world such as balance and well-rounded. Scary stuff, right!? No, of course you don’t have to attempt to make your kids well-rounded or give them a ton of exposure to different parts of the world, but chances are good if you don’t you’ll have kids who don’t like what you like and you’ll have to either expand your worldview or be a really terrible parent and force them to limit their dreams, creativity, skills, interests and future because you aren’t willing to open your mind.

So first, be encouraged if you feel like you’re a terrible parent that improvement starts with one step at a time. Don’t conquer every issue all at once, work on one issue at a time, or just one issue each day. Second, celebrate the good and recognize when you’re growing as a parent and when you see your kids learning the skills and abilities and having the experiences that will help them be capable adults someday. Finally, remember to choose and live with love when it comes to your kids because even when you’ve failed them in other areas if they grow up knowing that you loved them that will give them a strong enough foundation that they’ll be able to incorporate the lessons they need from the rest of the adults in their lives who play a supporting role to your parenting. What parenting successes have you celebrated recently?

Working with Magic

With the end of another football season getting close (and the end of the college football season already) we’re getting to know who might be the winners and losers this year and already seeing lots of changes in the coaches for the teams. There’s been lots of talk about some of the changes with the coaches, of course the biggest news coming out out of New England. I don’t know that it’s a surprise to anyone that the iconic sweatshirt-wearing coach is out after some rocky seasons and few wins, and the biggest block of discussion is around how much he actually contributed to all those successful seasons, especially with his star quarterback going to another team for a 7th season-winning year while the coach he left behind couldn’t get much done (I do believe he played a role in the success all those years, how could he not?!).

Personally I’ve been part of teams that were just plain magic from top to bottom, and I hope you’ve been able to experience that at least once in your life or that you will. The top leadership, the other leaders and even the team players/followers/customers were all part of the magic. I’ve also worked with people who despite bad leadership or tough followers/customers were able to make the work move smoothly and successfully, and when we worked together magic still happened, but not to the degree that it did when the whole team was on board.

The story is a reminder that we can do great things individually, even when the team around us isn’t always supportive or anywhere close to magic. It’s also an encouragement to choose whenever possible to work with teams that make magic together, and to remember that any group of people can make magic together if they work together and are in the right mindset (I could point to a bunch of different sports and business teams where this was true at one point or another). I also believe that you’re never too young or too old to start working on being a magic-contributor rather than being a magic-killer. And the best way to make sure that more teams of all kinds have magic is to believe it’s possible and encourage your kids and family to believe the same. What magic have you seen created within teams?

Focusing on the Sunshine

In recent conversations with clients who are parents I’ve been hearing a lot of frustration about how they think they’re letting their kids down or aren’t being enough for them or are a terrible parent, none of which is the truth. Are there bad parents out there? Of course. Can most of us do better in one way or another? Of course. But many parents do the best they can as often as they can, and as long as their kids are loved (and know they’re loved), clothed, learning and growing, fed, sheltered and given attention, they shouldn’t feel as guilty as they sometimes do.

Walt Whitman said: “Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.” Walt’s wisdom here is not that the shadows don’t exist or that you’re hiding from them, but that you are more focused on the sun than the shadows. Because sometimes we do have cloudy days, sometimes the weather does ruin our plans, sometimes it seems like Mother Nature is out to get us, and when those things happen we need the reminder of the sunshine that it’s still there and won’t be gone forever. I couldn’t live in a place that got very little sunshine throughout the year, I need that reassurance and reminder to keep my focus on the sunshine and not the shadows, clouds or other challenges.

Should you notice the things that you want to do better on? Yes, of course, because no one really wants a miserable life and the best way to make sure your life trends towards the positive and not the negative is by paying attention to what isn’t working well for you or what makes you unhappy. But you also need to pay attention to whether it’s a habitual issue or something that’s very short term and soon things will return to a more normal life, because one is something you work through to the best of your ability while the other is something that you should consider addressing and changing.

So as we start this new year I encourage you to consider if you’re really spreading shadows in your family as a parent or if you’ve simply gotten distracted by the shadows and need to refocus on the sunshine. And don’t forget that even on the sunny days there are the occasional clouds in the sky and I know many of us enjoy a fast-and-furious summer rainstorm that clears away some of the humidity, so don’t worry if perfection is alluding you (and don’t aim for it in the first place). Stay focused on loving your family and being the best parent you can.