Parenting Together for Relationship Wins

What kind of dads are in your life? I’m blessed to work with some families right now that have amazing dads (plus my partner’s an amazing dad, too). These dads step up when the moms are sick, they are more than just willing to be the only parent in charge if moms have to work or travel alone for some reason, they include the kids in things, they think of the kids, they’re considerate and attentive, they take care of them when they’re sick, and the list goes on. But just like you I’ve met some dads who are pretty much only a biological parent, or have very little interest in their kids regardless of gender. I also know moms who are great and moms who basically pass off parenting duties as fast as they can, it’s not just the dads who do and don’t parent.

The revelation I came to recently though is that when dads (and moms) step up and both parent, they actually have a stronger, healthier relationship/marriage. Of course anytime there is one more thing a couple agrees on and doesn’t have to fight about is less of a burden for the couple, but kids aren’t as simple or OK to disagree on like Chinese food or technology preferences (i.e. Apple vs. Android) or the proper way to fold a fitted sheet (is there a way?!). Kids are a lifetime commitment that comes with incredible complications, challenges, choices, and of course lots of fun, opportunities and blessings. So being on the same page about the importance of being a present parent is huge for the health of your relationship.

You won’t always agree on which school subject is most important, if veggies are required or not for every dinner, which books are OK, how much swearing is allowed, how soon they can date, if they have to make their beds each day, or a thousand other things, but if you are both 100% committed to your kids, you’ll know that even in the most challenging situations where you initially seem to be completely at odds with each other, you’ll still support each other and you’ll work through it all together. How has being a committed parenting team helped your relationship with your partner?

Where Did All The Love Go?

I love love. I was talking with someone the other day about the lyrics of that famous Beatles song that isn’t completely accurate (we need a couple things in addition to love), but I think there would be a big difference in our world if there was more love in it. I’m also a big holiday person. I love most of the holidays and the big and many ways that we celebrate them. I think my favorite has to be Christmas because we tend to celebrate it for at the very least a week on either side of the actual day, which works really well for my partner and I who both often work holidays, so we can still celebrate it with other people feeling equally as festive. But I do understand that all of these holidays are technically one day on the calendar (with the exception of some of the religious holidays which last longer than just one day). Yet I always hate going to the store the day after the holiday because everything from that holiday is packed up or pushed off to the side to make room for whatever holiday comes up next, even though it was just hours ago that we were celebrating, and just 24-48 hours earlier that we were preparing to celebrate. It’s so depressing and sad to see how quickly things can get pushed aside for what comes next.

Many of the emails and posts I read today that discussed Valentine’s Day emphasized the fact that it’s just one day. So if you hate it, it’s over quick, and even if you love it, you only have one day to worry about the pressure of getting it “right.” But especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I think we need to really consider if one day is enough or the answer to having healthy, happy relationships. Of course the answer is no, you can’t have a healthy relationship if you just work on or pay attention to it one day each year. I wish that we felt the same way about the end of Valentine’s Day as I do about the rush of stores to move on to the next big thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s important to look forward and work towards the future, but that doesn’t mean we have to rush or that we can’t sit in and appreciate the moment for a bit.

So whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not and while this day of love is almost done for another calendar year, I encourage you to not give up so easily on love and the role it can and should play in your life and in our world. I know I don’t want to be disappointed by my effort or lack thereof when it comes to love, or miss out on the many blessings that come along when you give love a priority spot in your life.

Where’s the Love?

As much as we equate relationships with love, the fact is there’s a lot of stuff that’s going on in, around and during our relationships that has nothing to do with the warm fuzzy emotion we associate with relationships. We work, we parent, we binge watch, we deal with extended family, we do chores, we deal with taxes and jury duty, we cook, we exercise, we care for our pets, we deal with housing issues, we pay bills, we do spring cleaning, and we go on vacation. That’s a lot of stuff that’s happening that doesn’t look or sound like love. Sure, you’re doing it with someone you love, but it doesn’t always (or usually) look like it does in those TV shows or movies.

If you’re like most people and you don’t have that movie-perfect romance that you’re in love and doing love all day, Valentine’s Day was made for you. It’s a chance for you to put that other stuff aside and just be together and love on each other. It’s why couples are encouraged to go out and do what makes them happy (not what makes others happy), give gifts that make each other happy (no stereotypical chocolate and roses required unless your partner loves them), and generally take a break from the everyday to celebrate the extraordinary fact that you get to navigate life with someone you love very much.

This year Valentine’s Day falls on a Wednesday, which means that you’ve really got a lot of choices as to when you two find quality time to celebrate if you can’t make the actual holiday day work for you, starting with this Friday night all the way through next Sunday night (the two weekends that bookend the actual Valentine’s Day). Remember: this holiday is about celebrating your love for each other, which means that you should be together and do what makes you happy and helps you celebrate your love and build on the love connection that you have. What are you and your partner planning to celebrate your love?

Time for Relationships

I love that relationships are a big part of what makes the world go ’round. There’s nothing like knowing that your best friend, your partner in life, the person who makes you laugh, the person who knows you best is waiting for you whenever you get home or will come home to you soon. This new year is no different from previous ones in that I want the best for us in our relationships, whatever that means. Maybe it means being done with the fighting and deciding to go your separate ways. Maybe it means it’s the year that you’re finally able to really invest time in just the two of you. Or maybe it’s just another great year of togetherness for the two of you.

What I’ve been hearing from a lot of the couples I work with is that they’re kind of stuck in their own lanes. Some of that has to do with past relationships or trauma, some of it has to do with cultural expectations or ingrained beliefs, some of it has to do with where they’re at in their careers, some of it has to do with kids, and some of it has to do with frustrations or issues that they’ve let simmer between them. Everyone has issues, so I’m not suggesting that relationships only work when people and the relationship are drama free, because that’s not possible. But what I am saying is that people aren’t always willing or able to work on or recognize creativity, flexibility or change in their relationship.

So improving your relationship over last year starts with letting go of some of the things that have come between you. It means both of you working harder to be flexible about when you’re available for different activities, for example that Friday date night can actually be a date lunch on Tuesdays. It’s about talking about the changes that you’re both going through and learning how you’re going to work through them together at this stage in your relationship. And it’s about being more creative about what you do together, when you do it and what constitutes quality time spent in your relationship. Right now you may not have time or money for fancy dates or gifts, but you can give each other the gift of working together to clean up after dinner while the kids are thrilled to have a few minutes with their devices before bed. You may not have a lot of extra time because you’re both working extra hours, so you make quality time with the few minutes you do have and lots of extra phone calls while you’re both traveling from place to place. Or maybe you’re at a place in your relationship that you go out and get a hotel room for a night or try every Italian restaurant in a 50 minute drive (or at least every one with more than 3 stars) or you go with each other on business trips.

So the next time you get the opportunity to do something with your partner that isn’t “normal” or isn’t what “everyone else” is doing, remember that it’s your relationship with your partner, not everyone else having a relationship with the two of you, so they don’t matter. Focus on finding what works now for the two of you and enjoying it.

Advent Calendar Mini-Dates

My partner and I are big holiday fans. We love the movies, the songs, the stories, the decorations, the treats, and everything. But December is also his busiest month, and I’m certainly not sitting home watching Christmas movies and eating those during-Christmas-calories-don’t-count cookies either. So it can be easy for us to miss out on a lot of the together time that we want to have because of how busy we are. A couple of years ago we were gifted an Advent calendar, and not one of those that has pieces of chocolate in them, but one that requires more than 10 seconds of your time. Opening a “door” each day became a really positive way to spend just a little bit of time and do something very seasonal together. We haven’t done it the past few years, but (don’t tell him!) I got us one for this year and I’m excited to be able to connect in that way again this holiday season.

Maybe you don’t have even the extra 5 or 10 minutes each day to do an Advent calendar together or don’t want to buy one each year (if it costs less than a date night does, it’s worth it, especially since you may not have as many date nights this month because of all the holiday gatherings). If that’s the case, maybe you divvy chores up that can be done in the same room, like one of you cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes while the other does the cookie baking and treat making. Or folding the laundry together each day to Christmas music. Or getting in a little exercise and walking the dog together while you talk about holiday plans and memories. Or one of you doing work on the laptop/tablet while the other decorates the Christmas tree.

The point is that there are many ways to get all that needs to be done this month completed while still getting in some quality relationship time. It may not look like it usually does but that’s even better because not only is so much else different during this time of year, it’s also good to give your relationship some refreshing too from time to time. Of course if you can find time to get out and do couple things during the holidays, especially those that give you two time to connect and be, and not just those that are filled with other people, that’s great too. But I know how fast December gets full and busy, so it may be better for your relationship if you work on finding 5 or 10 minutes to really connect each day rather than trying to fit in big, committed events and activities. How do you and your partner connect and spend time together during the holidays?

Let Love Lead

I’ve spent whole months talking about love before, it’s a very popular and sometimes controversial topic. And over and over again I’ve seen that love can’t be put in a box, can’t be defined and isn’t something that will follow human rules.

Love doesn’t mean you don’t call people out when they’re wrong, or don’t bring people to justice for breaking the law, love is separate and outside of that. Love means that even though you don’t agree with someone on everything you can still love them. Just imagine how many relationships would end if people decided because they had a few differences they couldn’t possibly be in love. Love crosses the divides we have in our lives so that we can see deep down we’re all human. No one is perfect. But fighting and arguing with people won’t get anyone closer to anything good.

If you and your partner have fallen into the habit of fighting instead of conversing, I encourage you to agree to pause a conversation when it goes from a discussion to a “discussion” until you can both get a hold on your emotions and return to the conversation remember to put your love first rather than whatever else was getting in the way. Putting your love for each other first may also help you make better and quicker decisions and have more time for the good stuff too. Will you let love lead this week?

“We are lovable, no matter what. If you doubt this, that’s ok. Look around at, or imagine some of the faces of the people you love. You would love them no matter what, wouldn’t you? And you know they would love you too.” Gareth Higgins

The Puzzle of Peace

Every relationship has its ups and downs. There probably aren’t any that are all sunshine and rainbows all of the time. My partner and I are really blessed to work and communicate well together so our fights are minimal. We’re also not the types of people with a need, for lack of better word, to drag issues out or create drama. We like to resolve issues and move on or agree to disagree but not let it affect our relationships. Of course it helps that on most of the big and important things we see eye to eye, so the points that we agree to disagree on are usually pretty insignificant.

The big difference between our relationship and many others is that ours isn’t a power struggle. I’m confident in who I am and who he is, and I don’t expect him to be someone he’s not, or have a need to be someone I’m not just so I can say that I’m the boss. I love and accept him for who he is, and he loves and accepts me for who I am. We don’t avoid or ignore our individual faults, nor do we use them as trump cards when we’re disagreeing.

If you’ve never had a relationship like I have it can be hard to imagine it being possible. After all you’re so used to fighting, winning, and losing that to believe that peace is possible is hard. I understand that. I’ve worked with and witnessed many unhappy couples. The choice we each have to make is whether we want to be stronger together or not.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” Jimi Hendrix

The Secrets to More Peaceful Family Gatherings

We’re starting a holiday week and weekend for those of us who are Jewish or Christian, but it’s often a time that families, regardless of religious affiliation, take to spend together, using the celebration of Easter as the reason to gather. Holidays and family parties put a lot of stress on the family, and especially on the relationship you have with your partner. I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ll probably say it another million, the best thing you can do is communicate! If you want to get through the holiday with the most enjoyment, least stress and maybe even a little fun, take the time to sit with your partner and set up some guideline which can include:

1-who
Be clear about who is invited, when they’re coming, and why you do or don’t feel comfortable about someone attending.

2-venting time
As silly as it sounds, pre-establish with your partner if/when you two can just let it all out. If you’re willing to put up with their Uncle for the party, instead of venting about it for the entire pre and post party time, agree that that night after the party you’ll get 10 minutes to just let it all out and your partner won’t stop you (but they will be allowed to do it as well!) and that will be it.

3-limits
Agree upon what does and doesn’t work. Don’t pretend that you’re going to agree to unlimited drinking and then not be able to deal with the after effects or potential situations that may arise. Agree how long the party will be, what will or won’t happen during the party (to a reasonable state), how much will be spent for the party and what will be had.

4-expectations
Check your expectations at the door. Communicating with your partner about the details of the event, each of your participation in it, clean up afterward, transportation and any other things and issues that often come up before the event will help the event, and cleanup be easier.

Taking the time to talk about these 4 things and how the event will go will help you reduce the stress and strain on your relationship during the holiday (both now and down the road at holidays yet to come). What do you and your partner do to help make family gatherings run smoother?

Relationship Spring

Today I’m thinking spring! It’s a great time to start something new, refresh something old or just enjoy doing again! If you’ve been stuck in the house for the winter and your kids don’t enjoy snow, you’re probably relieved to be getting back out into nature and playing. Spring is a great time to do a refresh for your relationship too.

Sometimes the issue in relationships isn’t that you don’t still love or care for each other, but that you’ve let time and busyness come between you. If that’s the case in your relationship, one thing you can do to breathe new life into it is to spend more time together doing things and just being together. If you’re not feeling that closeness that you used to feel, you can change that as long as you’re both committed to bringing the relationship to similar levels of fulfillment and joy as you used to experience.

Maybe it’s an evening walk most nights, trip to the grocery store or farmer’s market each week, date night every week with different plans each week, home upkeep/updating projects that you’ve got planned to do with the arrival spring, or just a beverage every morning or night together. These regular times spent together are not only something to look forward to, but an opportunity to help deepen and strengthen your relationship.

What do you have planned with your partner to build on your relationship this spring?

Committed to Relationship Success

With Valentine’s Day today I thought we should talk about what it takes to make a successful relationship, and one of the things I think it comes down to is commitment. While our focus will be on romantic relationships today, many of the things that apply to them in this post will also be things that we can apply to other ventures and aspects of our lives that we want to be successful. After all, commitment isn’t exclusive to relationships or romance, in fact it’s central to success too because often we don’t achieve success because we’re not committed to the journey. So where does commitment come into play for relationship success?

Relationship success starts with being committed to yourself. I know, that sounds counterintuitive because relationships can’t be a true relationship if it’s all about you, but the first commitment that needs to be made when you are considering a relationship is that you’re committing to a relationship that’s right for you. If you aren’t committed to yourself then you may not commit to the person that is best for your present and future or put in the effort to make the relationship into what you need it to be and to last.

The second commitment is to your partner. This commitment is about recognizing that there are two people in the relationship and making sure that you pay attention to their needs, desires, interests and are also committed to supporting them in their passions, work, and activities. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to choose wisely who you’re in a relationship with, because you don’t want to commit to supporting someone who you don’t like and can’t agree with any of their preferences.

The third commitment is to your relationship. The difference between committing to your partner and committing to the relationship is that the relationship is where the two of you come together. You can absolutely commit to supporting your partner but not being in a relationship with them. A great example here would be for couples who choose to divorce but still support each other because they have kids or some mutual interests. You’re no longer supporting or investing in the relationship but you can still be supporting the other person. Being committed to the relationship also means that you’re focused on making this relationship a success, and aren’t out looking for other people or continuing to date others while you’re with this person.

Fourth, there needs to be a commitment to communication. I’m sure there’s no surprise that this one is on my list, is there? Countless relationships have failed because couples don’t talk or all they do is “talk” (aka yell in the heat of the moment). While it’s good for your partner to know when you’re passionate or upset about something, rarely do productive conversations happen when there’s yelling involved, and often when things get to the point of yelling you’ve missed out on some important communications that should have happened a long time ago. The earlier in your relationship that you establish good communication habits with your partner, the more likely the relationship will last and be healthy and fulfilling for the duration.

Finally if you want your relationship to succeed you need to be committed to love. I’m including love here as the differentiating factor between bad relationships, unhealthy relationships, relationships between people who just coexist, relationships that are in name only, and/or relationships that are really friendships. Some people are unwilling to love because it’s scary and intimate and you have to be vulnerable with the other person. If you’re not willing to be that open and invest that deeply with the other person, it’s almost impossible to get to the true depth and dimension of a relationship that has love in it. I know some people are plenty happy to just have someone to share their life with, and that’s fine, but having experienced a relationship with love in it, I know there’s a big difference between the two, and the commitment to love is absolutely worth the risks.

Is there an aspect of your relationship with your partner that you need to better commit to this year? Which commitment has made the biggest difference in your relationship?