With Valentine’s Day today I thought we should talk about what it takes to make a successful relationship, and one of the things I think it comes down to is commitment. While our focus will be on romantic relationships today, many of the things that apply to them in this post will also be things that we can apply to other ventures and aspects of our lives that we want to be successful. After all, commitment isn’t exclusive to relationships or romance, in fact it’s central to success too because often we don’t achieve success because we’re not committed to the journey. So where does commitment come into play for relationship success?
Relationship success starts with being committed to yourself. I know, that sounds counterintuitive because relationships can’t be a true relationship if it’s all about you, but the first commitment that needs to be made when you are considering a relationship is that you’re committing to a relationship that’s right for you. If you aren’t committed to yourself then you may not commit to the person that is best for your present and future or put in the effort to make the relationship into what you need it to be and to last.
The second commitment is to your partner. This commitment is about recognizing that there are two people in the relationship and making sure that you pay attention to their needs, desires, interests and are also committed to supporting them in their passions, work, and activities. This is one of the reasons why it’s important to choose wisely who you’re in a relationship with, because you don’t want to commit to supporting someone who you don’t like and can’t agree with any of their preferences.
The third commitment is to your relationship. The difference between committing to your partner and committing to the relationship is that the relationship is where the two of you come together. You can absolutely commit to supporting your partner but not being in a relationship with them. A great example here would be for couples who choose to divorce but still support each other because they have kids or some mutual interests. You’re no longer supporting or investing in the relationship but you can still be supporting the other person. Being committed to the relationship also means that you’re focused on making this relationship a success, and aren’t out looking for other people or continuing to date others while you’re with this person.
Fourth, there needs to be a commitment to communication. I’m sure there’s no surprise that this one is on my list, is there? Countless relationships have failed because couples don’t talk or all they do is “talk” (aka yell in the heat of the moment). While it’s good for your partner to know when you’re passionate or upset about something, rarely do productive conversations happen when there’s yelling involved, and often when things get to the point of yelling you’ve missed out on some important communications that should have happened a long time ago. The earlier in your relationship that you establish good communication habits with your partner, the more likely the relationship will last and be healthy and fulfilling for the duration.
Finally if you want your relationship to succeed you need to be committed to love. I’m including love here as the differentiating factor between bad relationships, unhealthy relationships, relationships between people who just coexist, relationships that are in name only, and/or relationships that are really friendships. Some people are unwilling to love because it’s scary and intimate and you have to be vulnerable with the other person. If you’re not willing to be that open and invest that deeply with the other person, it’s almost impossible to get to the true depth and dimension of a relationship that has love in it. I know some people are plenty happy to just have someone to share their life with, and that’s fine, but having experienced a relationship with love in it, I know there’s a big difference between the two, and the commitment to love is absolutely worth the risks.
Is there an aspect of your relationship with your partner that you need to better commit to this year? Which commitment has made the biggest difference in your relationship?