Time Alone to Be Just You

Every day, whether in our personal lives or the world around us, we’re reminded of exactly how short our lives may be or how little time we have left with our loved ones or how important it is to take advantage of the time we do have with those we love. Once someone dies, once people move, once life situations change, you can’t get back to life as it was before. Which is why my advice today might sound a little strange: its important to take time for yourself away from your family and loved ones, and I do mean more than just during work/school hours, I mean like taking off by yourself for a weekend.

I’m a huge believer in being a team player, and I’ve seen time and again how much stress it transfers onto other family members when they either don’t pull their weight or are out of action for a time. So I know that it’s a sacrifice for one of the adults to go away for a couple of days, and I also know that it’s hard to let kids go away to camp or with a friend for a weekend because they too play a role in helping with siblings or setting up the table or loading the dishwasher or taking care of the pets or cutting the lawn or countless other things. One way or another everyone else has to pitch in and take up the things that that one person would be doing but aren’t because they’re not there.

But again, I think it’s worth it because sometimes we need to be reminded that we’re our own person separate from the awesome family that we’re part of and all the other responsibilities we have. It’s important to be able to take a break from getting a group consensus on all things and getting everyone ready to go when it’s time and going all the places with the kids, and to just be able to move at your own pace with only your own schedule to follow. It’s also about mental health and being able to stop long enough and not have everyone needing something from you to be able to process all that’s gone on in your life, going on in your life and really think hard on decisions that you might need to make. To this point it becomes not a want or nice thing to have, but a need.

Is this a practice in your family? Have you taken a solo vacation? What has been your experience with taking a break?

Four Key Categories for Life Success

This month we’ve been exploring some different ways to approach success in the new year, and this week we’re talking about picking four categories each day and working on success in each of them. The four are pretty standard, but part of the goal is to really work on all four of them every day, and not letting one have such a huge reign over your life that you don’t work on the others. Yes, it’s in some ways back to the discussion of balance, but I’m not suggesting that you spend equal amounts of time on making steps towards successes in each category, but that you spend time each day on each category.

The first category is home. Maybe for you that means dividing the home chores into 7 sections and doing one each day. Or if you do most of your regular cleaning on one specific day and it doesn’t really make sense to divide it into 7, maybe it means that each day you pick something extra that isn’t part of your regular cleaning and do it when it catches your attention like cleaning out the fridge or donating some clothes to a local nonprofit or taking the couch cushions out and vacuuming under them or cleaning the windows inside and out or checking over the products in your kitchen or bath and throwing out the expired ones.

Second, we’ve got work. It’s not as hard these days to work 7 days a week, whether you own your own business or not, with emails and digital courses that are available 24/7. As I said at the beginning, I’m not suggesting you put in 8 hour days every day, unless you want to, and even then I’d suggest taking off mostly a day every week or month depending on your work commitments and stages. But when you take a little time each day to work on something you don’t always make time for, you check in so that you’re not constantly trying to catch up or put out fires that didn’t have to start, or planning ahead for the things you need to tackle the next day, or at the very least reading though your emails and categorizing them so that you can move through them quicker when you do get back to work the next day, it makes it a lot easier to get through what usually holds you back or you feel you never get to or be prepared and able to tackle issues before they get out of hand.

Third, is to do something for you! Maybe this fits into one of the other categories, for example you want to start your own business so outside of work hours and commitments each day you’re making a little progress on that. Or maybe you like to craft and create so you’re always working on a project for the home like quilt or new piece of art. But usually this is where you can schedule in some time to read, or watch your favorite movie, or volunteer at one of the many awesome local non profits who are always looking for volunteers, or garden, or do more involved fitness activities (i.e. training for a marathon) than just what one would do for basic health. Including a step for success for you is one of the things that helps me stay sane during the days when it feels like it’s all about everyone else and there’s no time for me.

Finally, something that’s been big in discussions over the past few years and is more integral to success than most of us want to admit: mental/spiritual health. I put these two together not because they’re the same thing, but because working on either (or both) often helps us make progress in the same areas of our lives. So make time every day to meditate, or read a devotional, or read a book that will help you in some self-help/personal growth category, join a group that meets weekly or biweekly, add some spiritual/self help programming to your DVR, work with a coach/pastor/psychologist/therapist, have coffee or other beverages with friends, or whatever other big and little activities help you find your center, learn about yourself, grow your spiritual relationship, and/or manage the incredible amount of input that we get from the world and people around us on a daily basis.

As is true with so many other things, when you consistently put effort into these four pillars that most people would consider pivotal or essential or central to their lives, you’ll be less likely to feel behind in something or blindsided by something and be able to see consistent progress which is always so encouraging. How do you incorporate success steps in these four categories into your daily life?

Making Time for Nature

One of the things I love most about summer is how free we are to explore the world. Yes, of course we have to be mindful of heat exhaustion and sunburns but the ability to basically throw on pans/shorts and a shirt and grab some drinks and snacks and get out there and do stuff is one of the reasons summer is my favorite season. Yes, in spring and autumn you can do the same, but there’s always the cold to consider then as the water hasn’t warmed up yet or there could be early snowfalls, which is why I remain steadfast in my love of summer.

Summer is also the time that so many of us have more freedom in our schedules, whether that’s because our companies give us more flexibility about our schedules or the kids are off from school so we make the time, so it seems easier and even almost required that we get out there and live a little more. And even with all the places we go, as stressful as vacations can be (even though we’re supposed to be more relaxed because of them), and things we do that are so different from our normal, I still think we’re less stressed and healthier emotionally and physically when September rolls around than we would be if we didn’t take whatever our version of a break is in the summer.

As I watched the first, very early, leaves of autumn drop to the ground this week and saw all the back to school ads everywhere, one of the themes that has been running through my heart is that we need to commit to doing better when September rolls around and things get pushed back into that faster, busier pace. Even if we make a practice of continuing our morning/evening walks, keep taking the dog to the dog park a couple of nights a week, commit to at least one weekend a month of doing new and/or active things within a couple hours’ drive of our home, or continuing to have a beverage outside on the porch/deck with our partner at the end of the day, I think it’s really important that we make fresh air, time in nature and changes of scenery part of our regular life activities as long as physically possible (don’t get frostbite or have to build an igloo just to have that outdoor time). I’m excited to discover the difference in my physical and mental health after the autumn as I incorporate this focus into my life. Are you planning to make it a point to include outdoor time in your autumn?

“It’s amazing the difference A bit of sky can make.” Shel Silverstein

A Little Quiet Time

I know this may seem like an odd topic to talk about as we head into what for many is the busiest season as schools finish up and weather turns fantastic for the US and people go on vacations, but this week I’ve been thinking about and working on quiet time. There are many things I love about the world we live in and the technology we have, but it’s really done the next generations a disservice as far as being able to really teach them about the benefits and necessity of quiet time, not to mention making us adults feel guilty when we’re not all technologically connected and cramming as much as we can into our schedules.

Why does quiet time matter? After all, if we can just follow along with our schedules and expect friends and social media to introduce us to new things and people, why do we have to schedule in quiet time too? This week I was listening to a Christian radio station and a woman was talking about how hard it is for some people to pray these days because of all the notifications on their phones or expectations of full schedules or just not being able to quiet their minds (people who struggle to meditate could be challenged for the same reasons). But it’s not just about faith, quiet time is necessary for creativity and for brain development and independent thinking. If you don’t have any space in your mind to think for yourself, maybe you won’t notice every day, but there will be days when you’re trying to figure something out or trying to get something done and the only thing that comes to mind is “I wish I could think!” But because you haven’t regularly taken time to be quiet, and become comfortable with limiting your distractions and commitments you can’t think (or maybe even feel guilty when you try).

But as the early days of the pandemic taught many of us, it’s not so terrible to not have our schedules completely packed, and to be able to get outside without being all connected and listening to something or talking to someone, or to take 10 minutes to be alone and quiet on the porch or deck or steps with a beverage. Kids should be able to play quietly with toys or read or color and not have to be doing something related to technology or with other people all the time. We should be able to be comfortable in our own skin and within our own minds, and without all the constant inputs of the world.

The best news is that being able to be quiet and separate yourself from the world means that you’ll find it easier to be very productive when you need to be, or think more creatively, you’ll notice more of the world around you, you’ll be more relaxed, you’ll be more patient with others and comfortable to wait silently as they think before they talk, and you’ll have a better grasp on your feelings and overall wellness. If you don’t have a regular quiet time habit, this week I would encourage you and your family to start by spending even just 10 minutes a day with technology turned off or away from you and distractions as limited as you can make them and just be quiet or do quiet things and see how it improves your lives.

Sacrifices and Gifts

What does it mean to love someone? Sometimes it means making some sacrifices in your life. In some ways we’ve been conditioned to believe that sacrifice is one of those dirty words and unhealthy actions and that it’s something we should avoid. And yes, sometimes sacrifice is big and scary and should be very seriously considered before any decisions are made or actions taken. But sacrifice isn’t always big and scary, sometimes it can be normal, healthy, and even positive. As I was thinking about changes and sacrifices and the way that two people (a couple in a committed relationship) work on meshing and living their lives together, food came to mind as the perfect metaphor for the most positive way sacrifice can work.

Think about a package of chicken thighs you bought at the store earlier that day, a butternut squash and a couple of zucchini you just picked out of the garden (or bought at the store) and how unappetizing or even deadly it would be if you just put all of that on the table and told your family to have at it. If you want to eat the chicken you have to cook it so it’s not unhealthy, and butternut squash and zucchini are also much more delicious when they’re cooked. The “sacrifice” of cooking the food is worth it in the end to have the gift of a delicious, and healthy, meal.

The thing I came back to as I was thinking about sacrifice in relationships is that if it’s a true partnership like I often talk about, 90% of the time the sacrifice has to be a daily give-and-take from both of you. Sure there will be some times when one of you works a lot harder or gives a lot more (for instance during pregnancy or sickness or following surgery or when someone is without a job). But that shouldn’t be the norm, and if it is or it seems to be then you or they or both of you aren’t doing something important: acknowledging, asking for or accepting a sacrifice or gift in return.

Maybe it’s as simple as not recognizing the gifts one gets for sacrificing for the other, but it very well could be that someone isn’t speaking up and asking for their needs to be met. It doesn’t necessarily have to be in proportion or having the same needs to be fulfilled (i.e. we have to both make the same amount of money or be caring 50/50 for the kids or switch off cooking every other day), the sacrifices have to be things that each of you appreciates. For example maybe your partner really appreciates coming home to food that’s ready or can be heated up, that you take care of making sure the bills are paid, not having to worry about how you’re going to make ends meet (because you have a well-paying job or career or business), or you do most of the driving for the kids. Maybe you appreciate massages, uninterrupted bath/shower time, sleeping in, a cold beer on the back deck alone, or chocolate that no one is allowed to steal because it’s hand crafted by an artisan where you two went on your honeymoon.

Successful partnerships are about learning to thrive in the relationship which means lots of communication, giving and taking, sharing when you’re overwhelmed or unhappy or confused, and appreciating the blessings that each of you have because of how much the other gives (sacrifices) to the relationship. What’s one gift or blessing you have because you’re in a relationship with your partner?

Part of a Family Team

I’m one of the strange people who enjoy sports but don’t do a good job of sticking with a team, and I rarely am I loyal to the local teams. I have been known to follow certain players from team to team though, because they’ve caught my attention through their leadership and/or their skills. But countless fans remain loyal to a team long after players have moved on and retired because they love their team and the sport. Sometimes when a player who had been traded or went to another team would return to the home stadium where they played for many years they’ll be booed or be the recipient of many aggressive plays during the game. Other times they’re given a round of applause and degree of welcome, even given the honor of always being remembered as a member of the team.

When it comes to sports we can move on and around to new teams and so can the players for the most part, there are no rules that state you have to only cheer for or belong to one specific team throughout your life. But there’s something to be said for sticking with your local team, just like there’s something to be said for sticking with family. I know that not every team deserves your loyalty, just like not every family deserves your loyalty either. But as someone who has been a fan for some teams that are known for their heartbreak, I know that it can be totally worth it to stick with them for those few moments of great success, and for those oh-so-rare big wins.

So what about family? Every family comes with their challenges and not-so-good days, but most of us would say that we’d do just about anything for our family when the chips were down. Yes, there are some families that we’re much better off leaving in our dust and never thinking about again, but most of us have at least a few family members who have always been there for us, who accept us, and who we’re thankful to have in our lives. But like any sports team, if everyone on the team isn’t pulling their weight, the team usually isn’t the best or most successful. Sometimes the best and most healthiest thing to do is to build our own team, which is something most of us do anyway when we get married or create our own core circle of friends.

Are you pulling your weight in your family? Are the other members of your family team pulling their own weight? If you don’t have enough people on your team pulling their weight to support you so you can support them, maybe it’s time to look for some new members of your core team and let others who aren’t pulling their weight be part of the backup team. And if you’re part of a great team, make sure that you’re stepping up to contribute and pull your own weight. What do you love most about the family team that you were born into or the family team that you created?

Excited for Autumn Explorations

Autumn is a few days away and while its not my favorite season, I know lots of people are excited every time this season rolls in. I can understand it because there are tons of things to love about the autumn. I love how much richer and deeper things seem. I love how things slow down in autumn, but in a honey or maple syrup way, not in ways that frustrate or hinder you. I love how autumn brings people out to look at the trees changing colors and to take their last trips before the winter arrives. I love how people stop and chat with strangers they meet in places that they all love. I love revisiting those special stores and shops that bring to mind childhood memories and reconnecting with shopkeepers you’ve gotten to know over the years.

I know there are so many important jobs we have as adults in the world, as those responsible in big and small ways for the next generation, as well as for our relationships with our significant others. In many ways exploring the world in the Autumn and creating those memories may not seem like they’re as important as getting a good grade on a math test, talking through a relationship challenge or staying physically healthy. But those things don’t take into consideration our souls (both spiritual and earthly) and our need to be fed emotionally and spiritually. Life is so much richer when we take time to smell the sunflowers, see the toads hop at night and watch the stars come out with a warm autumn-inspired beverage.

But rather than seeing this as another responsibility in the long list of responsibilities we all have on our plates, consider it an opportunity to explore, to be refreshed and rejuvenated, to try something new, to expand your understanding of the world, and to make memories that will last a lifetime and warm your heart when things get tough. So go ahead and plan those weekend hikes, those apple picking trips, the pumpkin carving challenges, time spent in newly-raked leaf piles, and explore communities outside of the one that you live in with your partner and your family as much as you can this autumn.

On Burnout and Mental Health

I’ve been hearing from a ton of people that they’re dealing with burnout. Even though we didn’t do a whole lot in 2020 and even this year most of us are not up to our usual previous level of activity, it’s been a very stressful 20 months since 2020 began, and tons of things have changed. The truth is you don’t have to be overworked to get to the point of burnout, although that certainly is one way, stress in any or many areas of your life can extinguish the candle of inspiration and passion for your work. So while I’m sad to hear it, I’m really not surprised to hear how many people are struggling. That said, I’m thankful that they’re feeling safe enough to share with the world exactly how much they’re struggling rather than pretending or lying about why things aren’t getting done.

We may have talked about having a “midlife crisis” in years past, but it was never clear how real of a thing it was, mostly because people didn’t talk about their mental health and struggles they were dealing with. Sure a “midlife crisis” seemed obvious if someone made a really big purchase of a fancy car or other expenses that are out of character for them when they were in their midlife period. But other than that you can’t often tell visibly if or when someone is going through burnout or dealing with some serious mental challenges, and it doesn’t have to even happen in “midlife,” it can happen at any point in time in your life. And at least in the past most people have hid their struggles because they didn’t know how to deal with them or how their struggles would be received by others.

My guess is up to 95% of people will deal with burnout and mental health challenges at some point during their lifetime, regardless of whether they admit it or not. We try to raise kids the best we can, but are we truly preparing them for what they’ll face in life if we don’t talk and teach about mental health too? We do our best to give them tools to feed themselves, tools to be successful, tools to be physically healthy, and tools to build relationships, so why don’t we give them tools to be mentally healthy and encourage to ask for help when they need it?

I’m not saying that everyone needs a therapist or everyone should tell the world about their mental health struggles, but I am suggesting that first and foremost parents do a better job of making the mental health topic less taboo. Second, expose kids to various healthy outlets like construction, coloring/painting/clay and other creative pursuits, fitness, yoga and meditation, or spending time with pets or at animal shelters so that when they feel themselves struggling they have some avenues to turn to that can help them process their feelings or reduce their stress. And finally, let communication about and the feeling of feelings be a normal and regular occurrence both in the presence of the kids as well as let them know that their parents discuss feelings with each others and/or close friends or family (or with a therapist).

If we adults can do our part to help support the kids and next generations with better understanding, feeling and dealing with their mental health, we can not only make stronger and smarter adults, we can also reduce the number of suicides that happen each day too. How are you helping the next generation be strong and capable with their mental health?

Where Does Responsibility Start?

In recent years we’ve had a lot of discussion around both climate/environment and race. Both of these are important discussions to have because we don’t always realize the impact of our words or how we’re living on others and the damage that can be/has been caused. They’re not discussions that can be had overnight and things certainly can’t be fixed or addressed overnight, although they can be improved with each conversation we have. Yes, it is everyone’s responsibility to consider the impact that their words and lives have on others, but we sometimes put the majority of the responsibility on corporations or wealthy people or world leaders. Yes, they do hold a lot of power and therefore responsibility, but each of us are also responsible for how we live and treat each other.

While money often has a lot to do with the impact someone can make or the opportunities they’ve been given, it’s not the only thing, and if we’re waiting until we’ve got the position or finances to make an impact, it’s not likely that anything will ever get resolved. This weekend you’ll probably be hearing a lot about Martin Luther King, Jr. because Monday is the day that we honor him. He wasn’t a particularly wealthy person, and while he was well connected by the end of his life he was doing important and impactful work long before that point. (On a side note: I wish we were able to hear what he would have to say about all that’s gone on in the past year in the US!)

One of his famous quotes that you’ll probably hear a lot this weekend is “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” I think it’s an important statement, and dream, because that’s where so much starts: with our children. And I don’t just mean the biological or (legally) adopted children you have, but how you act/live and the example you set in the presence of any children. As much as some issues can be addressed with money or with age and opportunity (i.e. the ability to vote or choose where/how you live), many of the issues stem or are sustained from how we were raised and/or how we’re raising our children.

While we may begin to address the issues our world has, much more of what happens next will be decided by the next generation. So if we want a different future for our children and grandchildren, we have to start with both ourselves and the children of the world today. We have to start showing them how to treat others with respect and suspended judgment. We have to show them how to care for the world even if you don’t have a lot of financial resources. We have to show them how to be considerate and make educated decisions. We have to show them how to dream and believe in possibilities. I know how hard it is to think about much of that right now with all the turmoil in the world and the US, but in many ways that makes this the perfect opportunity to do it. Why not choose this opportunity when things are being changed to choose to move forward in the best way possible?

A Clean Start to the New Year

This past week I went looking for a couple of papers that have some important lists on them and I couldn’t find them. I usually keep them in one spot and to not find them there was surprising. So I looked and looked for several days, finally fortunately finding them in the paper recycle before I took it out for the bi-weekly recycling day. The search helped me move through some of the papers and other stuff in my office and neaten it up for this new year as well as get the paperwork from last year moved out so that this year’s paperwork would have space.

The clean up was a good reminder of how good it feels to have your stuff in order, tidy and clean. I’m a fairly neat person and I do clean regularly, but life happens and over time stuff does build up. Usually we do this cleaning thing during the spring because we’re all feeling that push from nature to clear out the old and make the new, but the new year is also a good time to get it done as well.

Often for couples and families, it’s challenging to get anyone but one person to do the work around the house, whether it’s laundry or dishes or just picking up after themselves. One way to deal with this is to just assign everyone weekly or daily chores and rotate them around. It does give everyone practice at everything, and it’s not nearly as challenging to do the laundry or dishes these days with the little tabs you just have to put in the machine rather than having to measure out powder or liquid. Yes, there will be complaints, but at some point in time they’re probably going to have to deal with it themselves alone when they’re an adult, so it’s good practice.

However, you also could find out what they like best and have that be their chore or chores, in addition to having to tidy their bedroom or other space that only they really live in or use. For instance if one child really likes or doesn’t mind doing laundry, give them that chore. And if another really likes being in charge of garbage and recycling, they can do that. And if they get tired of it after several months, maybe someone else will want to trade with them.

So the point to share with them is two fold: first how good it can be to have a clean space and the difference that having a clean space makes over not having a space that’s ready for adventure and activity. The other is the importance of responsibility and contribution when you’re part of a group. It helps teach them that they do have to contribute, but sometimes they have a choice in how they contribute, and if they can contribute something they’re comfortable and/or good at, they should. Are you cleaning up as we start this new year?